How to Have More Desire For Sex - Part 1 of 3

In this first part of our Desire series, we unpack how the nervous system’s two settings, stress and safety, act like a seesaw that shapes libido, arousal, and pleasure. 

You’ll learn why cortisol and adrenaline turn down oxytocin, estrogen, and testosterone, making desire harder to access, and how safety cues lift the feel-good chemistry that supports connection and responsiveness. 

We translate the science into simple practices you can use now, and I share my own story about how ongoing stress turned me off, and what I did about it to find my desire again. 

Transcript

Hello, Pleasure Seeker. Welcome to this episode of The Pleasure Files.

And today we're going to talk about one of the most common issues.

That's brought to me by women over and over again, and actually also sometimes brought to me by women's partners, which is…

How can we feel more desire for sex?

How can we want more sex? And how can we have bodies that respond?

to the brain's desire for more sex. And that's what we're going to be exploring today. Today's going to be a little bit technical, just a little bit, just to explain a little bit of what's going on in the body, but it's also going to be very, very…

practical, and, what you can actually do in your life based as well. So bear with me with the technical, we're gonna get to the how to feel more desire for sex. Now, this is only part one. This is a complicated topic, and it's a big one, and it's an important one, so…

Reach out and start.

How to feel more desire for sex. So…

There's a couple of things that are really important to know.

About your body. Which is… I think most of you probably by now have heard of fight or flight.

Or relax, or digest. And how we have this nervous system that seems to have two operating systems. We either have a stress, which is the fight or flight, run away from the lion.

focus and concentrate to get the thing done. Or we have the safety, which is relax, digest, feel good in the body.

And we have…

these systems in the body, these hormonal systems in the body, that… it's like a seesaw. So imagine the seesaw as a child.

You've got the balance point in the middle, you've got you on one end, your bestie on the other end, and sometimes you're higher, and they're lower, and sometimes you're lower, and they're higher. And that's what we're talking about here with the nervous system between stress and

and safety. So stress is now going to be the fight or flight, the runaway from the lion, the concentrate to work, and safety is going to be relax, digest, feel safe, feel good in the body. We're going to use the word stress and safety. So…

You're stressed.

And stress can be small and big things. It can be, you know, what they say, life's greatest stresses, which is a move, or, a divorce, or the death of a loved one, those huge stresses. So absolutely, yes, they can be a stress.

But stress can also be that chronic, ongoing, low-grade dripping of water on stone.

Kind of experience of life is just a little bit too full.

Something's kind of out of balance in relationships, and they're not fulfilling, but they seem to be costing you a little bit too much. There are people in your life that are taking from you. You've never learned to hold your own boundaries and say no when you need to say no, so you're giving too much. You're struggling to pay the bills.

General, ongoing stress, as well as those big stresses, the big runs from the lion.

And so, what happens is we get stressed, and the cortisol, and the adrenaline, and the survival hormones flood into our body.

And what happens is, because they're flooding, the brain goes, well, we're not in safety, we're not relaxing, we're not digesting, we're not feeling good, we've got something to do, we've got a lion to run away from. So, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, oxytocin, all

down-regulate. The body produces less of them in response, because remember, we're on this seesaw. The stress hormones have gone up, the other hormones have gone down.

So, it becomes, because of that.

Biologically harder. This is biological, harder to feel desire, to soften into arousal, and to experience pleasure. We're going to talk about the soften into arousal and the pleasure part as well, because it's actually a really important component of this.

So…

On that same seesaw, when the brain perceives or understands or experiences safety and connection, or has the idea that it might be having some.

That seesaw level rises, the stress hormones go down.

And cortisol levels drop, oxytocin, estrogen, dopamine, serotonin.

what's kind of commonly called the feel-good hormones. They rise up.

And…

Because of that, we're talking bonding, curiosity, openness, sexual responsiveness. Just an aside for all of my perimenopausal and menopausal women who are thinking that you need to be using estrogen creams and hormonal creams.

Think about this from a stress point of view as well. Maybe instead of using a hormone replacement, having a look at your stress.

And management of stress is another way to help the body regulate those hormones. We'll talk about that in a later episode, because that's a massive combination.

So… This is what we need to know. When we're stressed, and those stress hormones go up.

All of the feel-good hormones go down, and it's biological. We can't talk ourselves out of this.

So, then we have pleasure. So then we have this idea that comes up. I've… I say this often, other people say this often.

We can use pleasure as a way to… or feeling good in our bodies as a way to manage our stress, or to manage the hardship of our lives. And it's kind of like a throwaway comment, right? You can use pleasure in order to feel less pain. Okay, so that's a fantastic thing to say.

But it's kind of almost a nonsense thing to say as well, because when you're feeling the pain, when you're feeling the stress, the idea of feeling pleasure

Can feel like a million miles away, what are you even talking about?

But let's break pleasure down a little bit as well.

Because pleasure is a little bit more complicated than if you've just thought, she's talking about orgasms, because she's talking about pleasure, or she's talking about sex, because she's talking about pleasure. What are we actually talking about? So, as we talk about this, now this comes to the really practical things that you can do.

So…

Let me just make it really clear. What we're talking about, when we're talking about all of these things is, how do you make that seesaw swing so that the stress hormones go down.

and the pleasure hormones come up. And because those safety, rest, and digest hormones come up, and because they're coming up.

You're going to be more primed for desire and arousal, and it's going to happen naturally, without you having to force it. We'll talk a little bit more about that afterwards, but I want you to keep that in mind while we talk about what can you actually do.

Here's the deal.

Pleasure… Ease.

Gentle touch that feels good in your body. It's laughter, it's music, it's socially connecting with people that you love, that don't…

leave you feeling like you have given more than you got. It's gentle movement.

It can be mindfulness, but we'll talk about mindfulness for women in a moment, because it's a little bit more complex than that.

It's touch, warmth, and safe physical contact. So yeah, I mean, it's true.

It's a hug. It's literally a hug.

It is… Stroking and touching with your partner, if you have one.

In a way that, especially if you're a, if you're the woman in the relationship who is…

Bracing themselves because they don't feel as much desire as their partner has coming towards them, and they're concerned that every touch that comes towards them may be a touch that is supposed to lead into sex.

That's not the kind of physical contact that we're talking about. We're talking about physical contact where you can completely relax and surrender into the moment.

Massaging your partner's feet, and having your feet massaged for the joy of the touch and the connection. Stroking their back and having them stroke your back without any expectation it's going to lead to anything else.

And yes, of course, orgasms.

But more than that, loving intimacy without the push for an orgasm. We make orgasm the end result of sexual interaction so often. It's like the only thing that matters in our sexual interactions is orgasm, that each partner orgasms.

But sex is about so much more than that, and again, we'll talk about that in a later episode, because one thing that we could do for ourselves is really start redefining what sex is for ourselves, and what orgasm actually is. So, loving intimacy.

Eye contact.

Just beautiful, deep eye contact, where you see someone and you feel like you've been seen.

Laughter, play, and shared joy.

If you can't find it with adults around you, go and find it with a two-year-old, because they know about emotions in the moment, and they know about laughter and play and sharing joy.

Music, singing.

And not only doing it alone, but within the group as well, like, that group synchronicity that comes from music or singing together. Like, there is a reason that ecstatic dance or five rhythms, or open floor, or all of those dance styles

Where it's kind of free dance are so popular, because it's not only the music and the moving of your body, but to do that in a group where you feel part of a group dynamic is beautiful.

Singing. Really important, actually, for women, especially those of us that struggle with using our voices and speaking up.

And saying what we really want, asking for what we want, taking a stand for our boundaries and what we need to say.

Using our voice. If we can't speak, start singing.

Acts of kindness is a beautiful one, and emotional generosity. Like, having a purpose in life outside of ourselves, especially when we're feeling really stuck in something that feels hard, and something that feels impossible, or horrible, or we just feel like we're bogged down in it.

Have a purpose outside of ourselves.

Find somebody who needs an act of kindness or emotional generosity, and give for no expectation of anything in return.

All of you recovering people-pleasers out there, and you over-givers, I'm putting my hand up to that one as well. Just watch that one. Because if there's any cost on you, it's not a giving that's going to…

Put the seesaw.

Up in the direction you want it to go.

Pets and animal companionship is such a beautiful one, because…

you know, that feeling, you're like, wow, the cat sat on me and meowed. Or that feeling if you're in a group, like, in a room full of humans, and you're the one the animal chooses to come and sit with, oof!

It's the best feeling, to be picked by a dog or a cat, unless the cat's picking you to torture you, because they always know who needs to be tortured. Such a beautiful thing. Eye contact, warmth, touch.

Just love with animals.

And then there is meditation and mindfulness, and I said I wanted to talk about this a little bit, because

For n… See, like, sitting down and doing a stillness meditation with a quiet mind.

Isn't actually not always the best for women.

For a lot of us, we actually need some kind of meditation and mindfulness that involves movement. So, Tai Chi, or Qigong,

That kind of movement where you're in your body, and you're feeling the expansion of yourself.

Through movement, rather than the seated stillness

focused quietness, which tends to work much more positively with men's brains and men's, hormonal and nervous systems. So that's just something to consider as well. It might not just be to sit still, but to move. And if

you don't have a practice, and you're like, what are you even talking about? Tai Chi and Qigong? When is the last time you went and walked in the forest? Or the bush, for the Aussies, and all you did was notice the trees around you and your feet on the ground?

That's a mindfulness practice.

To leave your phone in the car.

To not get distracted, and to be present with the feeling of nature and your body.

That's the best mindfulness there is in my world, but I'm a fan of the trees.

Which comes to nature, and awe, and then food, and warmth.

It sounds crazy to say this, but these positive sensory and emotional experiences actually open up your nervous system.

To expect safety, to expect good feelings, which means you're opening up arousal, lubrication.

orgasmic potential desire in the body. It's actually the biological pathway.

So, a little bit about me, because I recently moved to Croatia. Some of you may know that 4 months ago I moved to Croatia.

With my gorgeous Croatian man, whom I love dearly, and… it was an easy move. I mean, it was stressful, because it was a move across countries, and it was packing up a life, going to a country where I didn't know anybody, and…

I didn't know the language, and the whole new start.

So there were some challenges.

At the same time, it was a reasonably easy move.

And what I noticed was, in the first couple of weeks of being here, because I was glad to have left where we were living before.

my body opened up, and I had access to so much libido, and desire and arousal and connection in that way.

And then after about a month, things started to become more difficult for me to access.

And it was really noticeable.

And I had to really sit with it. We're going to talk more about the other elements of desire in the weeks to come, so I'm not going to give you too many pointers about the other things that I sat with, but let's just talk about this piece around the stress and the safety piece.

I had to really sit with how much of a really subtle impact the nervous system strain

Even though I was happy, Even though I was glad to be here, even though my relationship

not only survived the journey, but we're thriving since, moving here, in terms of our connection and our relating to each other, and our working through, what we need to work through. I felt my body was shutting down, and even when my brain said, let's have sex now.

The arousal, and the arousal and the turn-on.

felt further away. I had to actually work.

to find them. They weren't just easily available to me.

And it was really clear for me.

And it has been really clear for me.

that… The subtleties of stress.

It's not always, like I said, it's not always the chasing of the lions that turns off our desire.

It's the underlying drip, drip, drip that we might not even pay attention to.

It is the…

I've just got too much on.

I never have time to myself.

The kids want too much from me.

My body is never touched, except for…

By the children, or with the expectation of sex, there's nothing else there. Work is asking too much of me. I'm really scared about paying the bills next month. I'm not sure what's going to be happening.

It's the drip, drip, drip.

That's actually impacting us so deeply.

And so, I put all of my training and all of my do what I say into practice, and…

I go on a forest walk every afternoon. We have a 5pm, if we're lucky, sometimes 6pm, screens off.

everything off. Phones, computers, everything goes off.

And we go for a walk.

In the forest.

And just… be there.

We have started with consciously… conscious touch intimacy.

Without the expectation of sex.

We have what we call cuddle intimacy and sex intimacy, and so cuddle intimacy has become a big part of our lives.

And we do it every day.

Whether we're having sex or not that day. We have physical touch intimacy, and cuddle intimacy is naked, skin to skin, under the blanket if it's cold.

For my birthday last week.

We went to a hot springs, like a mineral, a mineral healing hot springs, and it was magical.

I could feel my system down-regulating.

And…

I'm so much… like, desire and arousal and turn-on is so much more accessible to me since that one experience. So, have a bath with mineral salts in it, if you have a bath.

If you don't have a bath, find a way to be good to your body in the shower.

And I don't necessarily mean giving yourself an orgasm with the shower head.

I mean, getting some beautiful oil and massaging your body and spending time with yourself that way.

Or something.

Finding warmth, finding comfort.

And that's what I chose to do, like, I really chose that we needed to focus on this, because this part of my life is really important, and it's really important to my partner as well.

And it's not something that can just take it for granted and expect that

Everything is going to be okay.

So… I think that's everything I wanted to say about… Desire Part 1.

I have got so much more to say about desire. Just so you know. Part 2 will be next week, part 3 will be the week after, at the very least, because there's a lot more that needs to be said. Because our bodies are complex, and if we think that arousal, desire, and turn-on are as simple as pushing a button.

They're really not.

So this is the first one. If having more desire is something that you're working with.

I would offer you, in the next week, Go?

And…

Have a look at the transcript if you need the list of things that you can work on, you know?

The, the nature, the loving intimacy, the laughter, the play, the music, the singing, the pets, the nature, you know, all… nature, again, I really love nature, all of that.

And see what it is that you can do in your life. Because if the stresses are always going to remain there.

It's what we do in the rest of the time that really matters.

And then next week…

I'll bring you part two, also with very actionable steps. And we've also been doing this, and trust me.

Part 2 also works. It makes a big difference.

So… That's the pleasure file closed for today.

That was our investigation into… Stress versus safety.

And what it does for desire.

Thank you for listening. Sending lots of love your way.