How to Have More Desire For Sex - Part 3 of 3

In this episode of The Pleasure Files, we get deeply practical about desire  and what it actually takes for your body to want sex.

And yep, we are complex, complex creatures!

This conversation is about the real-life conditions that help desire happen and arousal thrive: time, space, safety, and intention. 

As always there are plenty of practical and useful tips that you can try, if feeling more desire for sex is something that you wish you had. 

We talk about:

• Why scheduling can be sexy
• Pumpkin hours
• Priming yourself for sex 
• Bridging activities 

And finally, we get honest with the hard question: are you trying to desire sex that isn’t worth desiring?

This is a grounded, compassionate, and body-wise look at what it really means to feel more desire in your body, and how you can go about finding more. 

Transcript

Hello, Pleasure Seeker, welcome to Part 3 of how to have more desire for sex.

If you haven't listened to parts 1 or 2 yet, you might want to go back

And have a look at those. It's entirely up to you. In part one, we talked about the nervous system and its impact on desire. Actually, I would recommend, if you haven't listened, to go back. It is actually a super important thing to know about how our bodies work.

In part two, I got really, really practical and talked about some of the things that are happening in our environment.

that are directly impacting our arousal and desire, that we might not actually have any idea are having an impact. And so, if arousal and desire are something that you're working with, it's one of the things that you're, wanting to support yourself, or you need some support on, go and have a listen to both of those episodes.

Part 3 of this How to Have More Desire for Sex series, we're going to, again, get really, really super practical. So, we're not talking about toys, we're not talking about positions, we're not talking about ways to…

Arouse the body so much, as we're talking about

The environment and the situation that the body and the being needs in order to feel aroused.

The practicalities of our arousal and our desire Being very, very complex beings.

Bear with me, though, because this is going to be…

So much more powerful for you than a sex position and a toy ever could be.

What it's going to be is empowering information that you're going to be able to use to actually create the state of being and the life situation that makes you want more

Sex. Intimacy, physical intimacy.

So let's just jump into it and talk about what we're talking about. So, the first thing that's really worth mentioning, just to get it out of the way, is those of us that have had male… have male partners, or have had male partners, or have observed men sexually.

we'll probably have noticed that men seem to be able to get fully aroused and desiring of sex much more quickly than we can. They seem to have a much more simple, 0 to 100

arousal and desire system than we do. And if you've noticed that, yeah, you're right. It is how it is. And so when we're talking about arousal and desire, we're talking about the female being and working out how to…

Look

We're complex, right? And it takes us longer, but working out how to make that something that actually serves us, and something that is to be celebrated, rather than something that's a problem.

So let's get into it. The first thing that's really worth mentioning, how to have more desire for sex, is

Even if your head says, yeah, let's go.

It might take up to 45 minutes for your body to catch up with the idea that sex is a thing that's about to happen. That penetration. Penetrative sex is a thing that's about to happen. It might take up to 45 minutes.

If you're stressed, if you're tired, if you're overwhelmed, if you've got too much on.

Sure, it might even take, you know, it really probably will take the 45 minutes. If you're fully relaxed and you're, you know, everything in your life is flowing, it might take a whole lot less. But just know that if it is taking time for you to get aroused and feel desire.

That's completely normal.

And those of us that think that we should be ready to go.

And hot, and panting in moments. We're going to talk a lot about that, actually, in this 20 or so minutes that we're talking about this.

Because, unfortunately, that's what we've been sold, by movies, and by social media, and by books, and by everything around us, that we're supposed to just be on for sex. And the truth is…

We take the time that we take. And that's really worth noticing and honouring. Our bodies take the time they take.

Now, on that.

It's really… when we're talking about this idea of, you know, hot sex in the movies, it's really worth noting

that… how to have more desire for sex. A lot of us want to have that kind of spontaneous desire where you catch their eye, and they give you a look, and your body is flooded and wet, and ready, and he pushes you up, or she, or they push you up against the wall, and it's all happening in moments.

And the truth is, that's a beautiful dream, and for most of us.

We don't have a desire that works like that.

Our desire is responsive, not spontaneous. So that kind of desire is spontaneous. You think about sex, and in a moment, your body is primed and ready to go. You can be as spontaneous as you like.

But for most of us, we have responsive desire, which means that arousal comes after

Desire might… even desire might come after some kind of stimulation or emotional connection, not before.

And what this means in practical terms is that

Having more desire for sex is often a choice in your brain, to go, Sex matters to me.

Physical intimacy matters to me, it matters to my partner, it matters to our connection, it matters to the health of our relationship.

I'm going to prioritize it, I'm going to treat it like something that matters, and I'm going to enter into…

Some kind of physical, Connection.

By choosing to do it, and waiting to see how my body responds.

We're going to talk a little bit more about that towards the end of the episode, so I'm absolutely not telling you to have penetration into your body before your body is ready to have it. I'm not telling you to, just desire you're going to have sex and push through no matter what state you're in. Absolutely not what I'm telling you.

What I am saying is, Sex is often a choice.

We'll talk about that some more.

Another thing that's really… I'm going to give you some practical stuff now. Something that's really worth knowing, and this comes from the amazing Alison Armstrong, the term pumpkin hours.

Pumpkin hours, and the way that she uses it, refers to those times of the day when, just like Cinderella's coach turns into a pumpkin, sex is a no-go for you. It's off the table. It's not even an option. We're not even going to talk about it.

Pumpkin hours, and we all have pumpkin hours at various times of the day.

For example, maybe your pumpkin hours are first thing in the morning when you wake up, because what happens when you wake up is your brain clicks in and goes, we need to do this, this, this, this, and this before 10am, and then this has to happen, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then…

And the idea of slowing down and being physically intimate, especially if you're gonna give your body 20 to 45 minutes to be fully aroused, and that's a whole hour of your day gone…

It's just not an option. That's a pumpkin hour.

Or maybe a pumpkin hour is any time after 10pm at night. I am so exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open. Actually having to find the juice in my tank to be aroused and feel desire and the energy and everything that that requires, it's not an option. It's a pumpkin hour.

Work out for yourself what your pumpkin hours are. Maybe they're in the middle of the day, maybe they are… I don't know. It's up to you. Work out your pumpkin hours, get your partner to work out their pumpkin hours, and then talk about it.

Because if you both know, There's power in that, because if your partner's really into early morning sex.

And you're really not into early morning sex.

If you can explain to your partner, I'm not into this, and these are the reasons why.

The rejection that your partner has probably been getting, or may continue to get or get in the future, as they try for the really early morning sex that they're looking for.

It doesn't have to have a personal flavor to it anymore, and maybe those pushes for that early morning sex won't happen.

Early morning sex, obviously, being just an example. Or maybe you can compromise and go, early morning sex is okay on a Sunday, because that's the day when I can take the time in the morning, and the to-do list isn't that long, and the kids can play by themselves until 10 o'clock, or whatever it is.

Share your pumpkin hours, work them out, and use them to…

Not only work out when sex isn't gonna work, but work out when sex IS gonna work, because that's the point, right?

Alright, now we're going to move on to something I call priming.

Priming…

Priming is a… let's just talk about it before I describe it. So, what I mean by priming is…

If you're planning on having sex on a Friday, or partners if you're hoping to have sex on a Friday.

The sex that happens on a Friday starts at LEAST on a Wednesday, if not a Monday.

And what it starts with is those moments of connection.

Those small touches of the body, that

don't necessarily have to go anywhere. So, a common complaint amongst women is, I only get touched when they want sex.

Or every time they touch me, I feel like they're pushing me towards sex.

Those little touches of the body, you know, a hand on the waist, a kiss on the back of the neck, a touch on the butt, whatever it is that works for you and your relationship, that don't mean sex, but mean, I see you.

I like what I see. Thank you for being part of my life.

They're a really big deal, actually.

And they are priming towards the Friday sex, even when they start on the Monday. Even when they start on the Saturday morning, after the Friday before… after the Friday sex of the week before.

Bring desire and attention towards your partner.

That doesn't demand sex in the moment, but promises connection in the future.

Look at them with desire. Appreciate them with your words. Have gratitude and appreciation for each other. Resolve conflict. Support each other through hardships. Do all of those things that

We do, in healthy relating.

Do them because it's healthy relating and it's a beautiful gift to offer your partner. And do them also because they are priming towards good sex.

When the sex is going to be happening.

There's a good friend and colleague of mine, Therese D. Wolf, also talks about holding the bucket.

So, men, holding the bucket, for women basically, in her words, means you hold the bucket and you let the woman empty her brain into the bucket with words.

You don't try to fix things, you don't offer solutions, you don't do anything except hold the bucket and let her empty her brain into the bucket.

To relieve the tension that she's carrying in her body with all those bottled up words.

At some point before the scheduled Friday sex, and we'll talk about scheduling in a moment.

Hold the bucket for her so that she can relax. Might be a good one to do on Friday afternoon.

Clear out the week.

Let her be ready for you.

So that's priming. I want to also talk about bridging activities. Now, bridging activities are really, really good for us, especially as women. So when we're not…

Someone gives us a look or a touch, and we're a thousand percent ready to go in any moment. A bridging activity can be really useful, because what a bridging activity does is it trains our bodies and beings to know,

It's sexy time.

A bridging activity can be anything that you do that makes you feel good and ready for sex.

Sexually relevant activity. And it doesn't have to be a sexual activity. You know, a bridging activity for you might be taking a bath.

It might be shaving your legs.

It might be lighting a specific candle.

It might be doing something around the house that means that you only do, like, every now and then. That means you don't have to think about that thing.

Doing an activity that brings you from your everyday into your body and the potential for pleasure.

I really like the idea of movement being bridging activity, because movement also wakes up our bodies. So if we're feeling a bit tired, or a bit sleepy, or a bit overwhelmed, or a bit all over.

And we put on a beautiful piece of music, and we danced to it. Just one dance. Just for ourselves.

Amazing.

Beautiful bridging activity.

And if we do the same activity before we have sex every time, our body and our being and our brain learns to associate that activity with intimacy, with good times and good feelings.

So your being will then know, oh.

Every time you massage your breasts with this particular smell, We're about to get frisky.

Amazing. And then all you need to do is smell that smell and touch your breasts, and your body knows that this is what's happening.

Bridging activities are beautiful things.

Now, I want to talk about the sexiness of scheduling.

Because…

Scheduling. I'm an Australian, we say scheduling. Because a lot of us don't like the idea that we have to schedule sex.

That intimacy is something that needs to go into the calendar.

Because we still want that spontaneous desire, and that spontaneous lust and wanting of each other. And we still want sex to have that excitement.

And this is the truth, as I see it.

If we're waiting for that spontaneous, exciting, lustful sex to happen.

We're pretty much agreeing with ourselves and our partner that we're not going to be having very much sex.

Because life gets in the way.

The thing is, is that scheduling Gives us…

It kind of gives us an opportunity for nervous system relaxation around sex.

Because then we don't have to be on our guards, noticing, is it gonna be now? Is it gonna be now? Is… are they disappointed because we're not having enough sex? Like, the brain can switch off and go, oh, we're gonna have sex on Friday night.

Friday night is sexy time. It's business time.

It takes the pressure.

Out of it.

Scheduling can be sexy.

Now, I said at the beginning something about I'm not… how I'm not suggesting to you with, sex often being in the mind, starting in the mind, that… where I'm not suggesting that you're having penetration of a body that doesn't want to have sex.

Or doesn't want to be penetrated. So let's talk about this when it's, like, with this idea of scheduling, because scheduling is very much of the mind, right? The mind goes, well, according to my very busy week, the best possible time where I have a 2-hour window is going to be Friday night, and sex is going to be in there.

The first thing, also, to take a step back that might be worth doing is really actually asking yourself, how much sex would you like to be having?

What's the minimum amount of sex that would feel good in your body?

In your relationship.

That would support your partner to have their needs met, that would bring the intimacy and closeness and love to a relationship that lovemaking literally does bring.

What's the minimum that you're… that you need? And ask your partner, what's the minimum they need? Be open to the answer, negotiate on the amount, if it's two different amounts, and then work out when in your week it's going to work.

And then… Sex is scheduled.

And then it's Friday night. I'm just taking Friday night as an example, obviously. And then it's Friday night, and…

It's time for sexy times.

And…

You know that you have responsive desire, so after a certain amount of kissing, or touching, or some kind of connection and play.

Your body may wake up and wish for sex, and it may take up 20 to 45 minutes, don't forget. It may not be in the first 30 seconds.

Beautiful. Your body wakes up, and you flow into sex, penetrative sex, and that's all wonderful.

But what happens if your body doesn't wake up? What happens if, with all of the best intention.

You schedule, you know that you're… you've got responsive desire, you know it's not in your pumpkin hours, you know you've done… you've had priming all through the week, you've done your bridging activity, you know it's sexy time, and your body's just like,

Sorry. That's not what we're doing today.

Another really good thing that's worth doing and getting clear on is… What?

Outside of penetration, Are physical intimacy acts that actually really serve you, and your partner?

If sex is just like, I just can't do it.

What could it be instead, so that there isn't resentment, there isn't rejection, there isn't a shutting down?

But there is an opening up into some kind of possibility.

Maybe it's naked cuddling and stroking.

And you both feel that deep connection.

Maybe it's one of…

One of you, touching yourselves while the other one watches and enjoys the show, so that there's still sexual release from the one that requires it.

But, and there's still the emotional and the physical and the intimate connection that comes from the deep vulnerability of showing pleasure in front of another person who's just observing.

Maybe it's something else entirely that feels like sexual intimacy, that feels like physical intimacy for both of you.

that if Penetration just isn't a possibility. If your body just goes, nope, not today.

There's still something else that can be flowed into.

And, if you get to Friday night, and sex has been scheduled, and you've had a massive week, and the kids haven't stopped touching you, and everything's been tugging at you, and everybody's wanted a piece of you, and it just feels like sex is going to want another piece of you, and you haven't got anything else to give.

We have the menu of alternative options that still bring physical connection and intimacy to you and your partner.

And choose from that menu. Take the pressure off that way as well.

But have an agreed-to list with your partner, like, ask them as well, like, if we can't have penetration, is there something else that feeds you?

What else is it?

That's the sexiness of scheduling.

And the last thing.

That I wanted to talk about. There's a couple of things, and this one is going to be a little bit blunt.

I'm gonna be blunt with this.

And I'm just going to ask you.

Are you trying to desire sex that isn't worth desiring?

Are you trying to convince yourself to desire more sex when the sex that you're trying to desire

It's painful, or frustrating, or boring, or… non-satisfying.

When it doesn't feel connected, or intimate, or loving, or caring, or… Actually just doesn't feel good.

Are you trying to desire sex that isn't worth desiring?

Because if you are, then all the tricks…

All the priming, and the bridging, and the scheduling, and the pumpkin hours, and the responsive desire, and the time.

It's only gonna get you so far.

And if you have a sneaky feeling that your answer to that question, or a strong feeling that your answer to that question is a yes.

Do you know why you don't desire it?

Do you know what aspect of it actually doesn't work for you?

Can you feel into that?

Is it the whole package? Is it that you feel…

Resentful. That you feel distanced? That you don't feel seen or loved or appreciated, or safe or desired?

Is it that the quality of touch isn't actually what you want?

Is it… Something else.

There's many, many reasons that you may not desire the sex.

That you're having.

If this is something that you need support around, because this is actually a really big deal.

Especially if you're in a committed relationship, please feel free to reach out. This is one of the things that I can support you around.

And there's one more thing that's really worth mentioning to finish for today.

And this thing that's worth mentioning is You can't outsource your arousal.

By that, what I mean is, and you can't really outsource your desire to some degree. Desire is a little bit funny, a little bit different, because desire, especially if you're responsive, you respond to something that's coming in towards you, but what we're talking about as well with desire is a body that responds

With arousal to that desire.

And the truth is, is that your arousal is like the coals of a fire.

All your partner can do is blow on the coals.

And hopefully help them turn into flames.

But it's actually your job.

To stay connected to your own body, and your own pleasure enough.

To have those coals smoldering in the first place.

You can't outsource your arousal. It actually comes from your relationship with Yourself.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, but you're curious, Please reach out.

If you know that this is the area.

That, actually, you do need a little bit of support with.

Please reach out.

And that's all for today, pleasure seekers!

How to have more desire for sex. Part 3.

I trust that this was useful information.

And I'm sending so much love.