Why Can't I Orgasm?

In this episode of The Pleasure Files, we go on a detective hunt into the mystery of why orgasms are not happening, or are disappointing when they do. 

You’ll hear how stress, tension, shame, numbness, pain, and rushing all disrupt the body’s ability to open to pleasure. 

We talk about the impact of porn conditioning, performance pressure, and orgasming through force, and what changes everything when it comes to female pleasure: slowness, safety, softness, and real connection to your own body. 

I end with one powerful practice to help you reconnect and reawaken.

Transcript

Hello, Pleasure Seeker, and welcome to another episode of The Pleasure Files.

So, this topic that we're talking about today kind of jumped up the queue a little bit, because it's…

Actually, the most listened-to topic from the first series of this podcast that I did back in the day, when it used to be called Pleasure Isn't Just Sex.

And it's the most listened to episode by many, many, many times. And it's the topic of why can't I orgasm? Why don't I have the kind of orgasms that I really would love to have?

So today, we are going on a detective hunt into the mystery and the complexity of the female orgasm.

Now, like, all of the other episodes have been, and are going to continue to be, this one is intended to be useful, practical information that you can use to educate yourself.

And that you can use to try things out. So, if not having the kind of orgasms that you would love to have.

Is something that you are managing, this could be a great episode to actually settle in and have a couple of listens to and try a few things out.

Okay So…

I feel like I need a disclaimer at the beginning of every one of these episodes that goes, the female body is a deeply complex thing. Female sexuality is so complicated.

So what I'm going to give you today is a little bit of an overview, a little bit of, these are some of the things that you could be thinking about, and of course, if any of these land, or if you need support, or if you want to unpack any of them a little bit more, reach out to me. I love talking about this stuff.

So… You're a woman in a woman's body, and orgasms…

They're either not happening at all.

They're happening too quickly, they're happening too slowly, or they're kind of feeling a little bit like a sneeze, and they're not like these kind of epic, amazing, expanded experiences that you've been hearing, orgasms described as.

What's going on?

So, the first thing that we're going to need to investigate, the first thing that we're going to need to think about is…

What's actually going on with your nervous system?

Now, we talked a lot about the nervous system with the desire and arousal episodes that we've already done.

Also, with the pain in the vulva.

The nervous system is probably going to come up in every single one of these episodes, because anything to do with women's sexuality and sex and pleasure

Needs to start with the nervous system. Because, just like desire and arousal, a nervous system that's on high alert, that thinks it needs to run away from lions, isn't a nervous system that is open or interested in having amazing orgasms.

It's one or the other, for a lot of us.

And for those that are, like.

But I am actually really stressed, I feel really stressed, and I can still orgasm. My question would be, are they deep, profound orgasms that feel like they restore your body?

Or are they kind of like the sneeze, one-and-done kind of orgasm?

Just checking.

First of all, are you in high alert?

And then… Do you, and does your body feel safe? So, safety is so important.

And safety is really, really complicated for the body as well.

Because, logically, you can look around the room and go, well, there's nothing coming to kill me, I don't have… there's no danger to my person.

Everything seems to be okay, looks like I'm safe, it feels like I'm safe, so I don't understand why, if I check in with my body, actually, I'm breathing into my shoulders, my belly feels tight, my toes feel tight, my jaw feels tight.

I don't feel completely relaxed. Even when I try to relax my body, my body doesn't relax.

the body and its relationships to safety can actually be quite a complicated one, so that's another thing to check. Like, how tense are you actually in your body? And… and this is a little bit of a much, much more complicated one, but I'm going to mention it here just to park it in the brain as well, which is…

How safe does your body feel with your partner?

If you're trying to have an orgasm with another person. And it doesn't mean that your partner is unsafe.

They could be an extremely safe person, and you could have had

Experiences with your body where, for example, let's say, for example, penetration caused pain.

Or you had sex when you didn't actually want to have sex. Or you had had some kind of disagreement, and you hadn't resolved it, and there was deep resentment in you, and you had sex anyway.

Situations like that, where it seems kind of logical and okay in the moment, but the body remembers things.

And the body can start, like, going, well, that kind of touch to my genitals is, like, associated with these times when it wasn't feeling that really great. Things weren't amazing, things weren't flowing.

That can also be actually impacting you.

And that then, of course, comes to trying to orgasm through force. Now…

We're probably all guilty of this.

We want to have an orgasm, so therefore, we do what it takes to have an orgasm, if we can. We rub harder, we rub faster, we do the things to try to force the body to orgasm.

But that's an orgasm through force.

Vibrators are an orgasm through force. I'm very open and outspoken that I am not even a slight bit a fan of a vibrator.

And I have really big conversations with all of my clients about, if you really want a deep experience of connection with your body, and of pleasure in your body, a vibrator is blocking that from happening, because you're jackhammering your body. Your body doesn't need it.

Your body doesn't need to orgasm through force.

Because… with…

Modern women who have a to-do list, and we're used to ticking off this to-do list, and orgasm just becomes another thing on the to-do list.

So orgasming becomes a rub harder, rub faster, get it done kind of job.

So what do we do in this situation?

The first thing that we do is we learn how to breathe into our bodies. We learn how to soften into our bodies. We learn how to relax our bodies. We learn how to feel

our bodies.

And if we've been using a vibrator, we go on a vibrator detox.

Which is the two most frustrating months of your life.

which ends in…

just the miracle of amazing orgasm, if you do it right. But again, it's a little bit more complicated than just stopping the vibrator use. You're welcome to reach out to me if you want to talk about that as well.

And then we have to think about trauma, and shame, and our emotions, like…

most of us are carrying some kind of sexual trauma or microtrauma, and it doesn't have to be big T sexual abuse, big T trauma. It can just be small moments that get stored in our…

Bodies. Even, like, those small moments of pushing through, of hurrying up, of speeding up, of not being ready, of just getting it done, of doing it.

Because we feel like we should.

Our bodies remember things like this.

Pain and discomfort and numbness make things really difficult, because they put the body in

A state of protecting itself.

Numbness is actually the body protecting itself, that's why we go numb.

That's also one of the big issues with vibrators, they actually make you numb, even though you think you're not numb, because you can feel the vibrator.

They make you numb on a really subtle, pleasurable level.

And the body protects itself.

Or the way that we have shame about our pleasure, our desire, our bodies, our appearance.

And shame really shuts down orgasm.

If you're… I mean, just… you maybe feel it for yourself, like, imagine that you're coming up to the point of climax, of orgasm.

And then in the… in your mind, the back of your mind goes, What face am I making?

How do I look? Am I making… what sort of noises am I making? Or memories pop up of times that you were shamed, especially. I don't know, but…

If it was just me, but as a teenager, like, the shaming that happened because people weren't having in commas, like, the proper kind of pleasure and sexual and orgasm experiences, not like it was shown on porn, or the movies, or what we expected to happen, and that stays in us.

It creates tension.

And tension shuts down the possibility for orgasm.

So what do we do about it?

We have to start getting real about what we're carrying in our bodies.

Start getting real about our histories, and about the times that we've pushed through, and the times that…

We've just used our body as a tool to get what we wanted, if what we wanted was sex or orgasm, and we never actually checked in if that was what the body wanted. Or the times when we did have pain or numbness or discomfort, and we just pushed through because the other person wanted it.

Or had sex when we weren't ready, or, you know, like…

We've all done it. There's no shame or blame.

But we're carrying it.

In our bodies.

And then… that comes to the idea of goal-oriented sex. You might have heard about this, or performance-based sex.

So… So many of us have been educated about what sex is supposed to be through porn.

And porn is very much goal-oriented or performative sex.

There's no emotional connection between the two people, or many people. There's no true feeling of the body. There's no… it's just a performance. It is actually a movie.

And we treat it as real life, and the way that things are supposed to be, but it's actually a movie.

And so we're taught, also, that sex is about orgasm. Like, if you think about sex, and think about what sex is.

How much of there… is there an assumption that sex will have orgasm in it? Or that once one or the other, or one or the other, or the many of the parties involved in the sexual experience, once they orgasm, the sex is over? Or that if you don't orgasm, there's no point in having sex?

Sexy is about… The goal of orgasm, instead of about the deep relationship with yourself, with the other person.

with the experience, with the sensations, with the possibility. And that comes with masturbation and self-pleasure as well, like…

Can you slow down and just be present with your body, with your sensations, with your…

Arousal, desire, wetness, feeling, pleasure, without it needing to end in an orgasm.

Can you just be present with your body?

And what it's showing you, and what it's feeling, and how it's feeling, without it being

Something that has to come to an end, to a climax.

Is that possible? Are you willing to be aroused and just be aroused for its own sake?

Or to touch your body, and just touch your body for the sake of touching.

Orgasm takes time to build.

And if we go fast, if we are goal-driven.

If we're just going for the end result.

We're not giving it the time and the building blocks.

That it needs in order to… really build beautifully.

And I mean, this is also a point where it might be worth mentioning, like, what is orgasm?

What actually is it that you're having or not having, or going for or not going for?

What is an orgasm?

Like, what's your definition of an orgasm?

What is it, this thing that you're looking to have?

Is it possible that the way that you think an orgasm is supposed to be is too narrow? It's too limited?

And if you expanded your idea of what orgasm was, and the possibility of orgasm, it would also open you up to different experiences, rather than what's common, which is a clitoral-based

Excited experience that ends in a…

kind of a peak, and then it's all over. What if orgasm is…

Something completely different. Something completely more than that.

Because that's the possibility that's waiting in your body.

So what is it that you think orgasm is, and is it possible that there's more than that?

As well.

And let's finish by talking about probably the most important thing when it comes to the why can't I orgasm question.

Which is… How connected are you to your own body?

How much are you in tune with your body?

How much can you feel your body's yes and no, and maybe?

How much can you feel like the very subtle, very small beginnings of something happening in your body?

How much can you actually sense in your body?

If I said to you now, Think about your left ovary.

Just think about it.

And without touching your body with your hands in any way, can you feel your left ovary?

Now think about your cervix. Without touching your body in any way, can you feel your cervix?

Think about your right nipple.

Can you feel your right nipple?

How connected are you to your body and your sensations?

How much of a relationship do you have with your body and her sensations?

How much of a relationship do you have with your bodies, yes and no? And…

I'm really into this, actually.

Are you trying to have an orgasm from the… from your head?

Purely driven by your head.

Your head has… Decided that it's time to have an orgasm?

Your brain is telling you, now is the time.

But there's actually no connection into the body, at all, about it.

We try to think our way to orgasm, instead of feeling our way to it.

And we've never, ever, from the beginning of our days, most of us, if not all of us.

Have never been encouraged to be deeply in touch with our own bodies.

To deeply feel our own body. To have a healthy touch relationship with our own body.

To be deeply in touch with our own boundaries, our own yes and no system.

To be deeply in touch with our… the, like, the authenticity, the sovereignty, the…

The truth that our bodies are our own, and it's up to us who gets to touch them and who doesn't.

We're taught from a very young age.

You know, let that person…

Let that family member hug you or kiss you hello, when you don't want to be hugged or kissed hello.

as a baby, or as a, you know, as a little person, you know, for the first couple of years of life, you get passed around, you get thrown around, like, literally, in terms of play, you get tickled, you get…

And…

There's no real consideration about the being that this is happening to, and whether or not we want this to happen for ourselves.

And so we're not taught.

To respect and honor and feel and acknowledge and listen to our own bodies.

It's actually the secret when it comes to amazing orgasm.

Come back to yourself.

So, if you want… the number one tip that I can offer you.

For amazing orgasms.

And if you've listened to the previous episode, called Maggie's Story, she'll have told you about how…

I seem to keep very slow, very weird and boring homework, and you don't believe it's gonna work until it works. This is one of those.

If you really are looking to have an amazing orgasm, my number one tip is, every day.

For 5 minutes.

Rest your hand on your vulva.

And do your best to keep your mind present with your hand and your vulva.

Just rest it there. Don't rub. Don't go for an end result. Don't go for anything except… Straight-up connection.

To your own body.

Feel what you can feel. Sense what you can sense.

And come back every single day.

Show your body that you mean it, that it matters.

And seeing what might be possible.

If you slow down, And if you start connecting with your body.

From a place of softness, from a place of slowness, from a place of safety.

From a place of listening.

And from a place of not expecting anything from your body.

Miracles might be possible.

Alright, pleasure seekers, that's all for today.

I trust that for those of you that needed it.

That there may have been some…

Information here that was worth hearing.

As always, if you need any support, please reach out. I'm available.

And I'm sending you all so much love.