Why don't I get (or stay) wet?

BECOMING: A 9 month group mentorship with Naomi, for you to to grow into the woman you were always meant to be. Click here to find out more. 

In this episode we get honest about vaginal lubrication what it is, what shapes it, and why so many women think something is wrong with them when their body doesn’t become as wet as they expect. 

I break down the real physiology of lubrication, how your:

• nervous system, 
• hormones, 
• cycle, 
• health, 
• stress load, 
• emotional safety 
• and type of touch 

all influence your ability to get wet and stay wet. 

We look at why lubrication is not a reliable measure of desire, why it changes throughout your life, and why your body might shut down wetness as a protective response.

You’ll learn the key differences between lubrication and arousal, the conditions your vagina actually needs to respond, and the common factors that interrupt that response. 

I also share a simple daily practice to gently rebuild sensation, circulation and trust in your vulva, so your system can come back into openness at a pace that feels right for you.

If lubrication has ever made you doubt yourself or question your desire, this episode will give you clarity, context and relief.

Transcript

Hello, Pleasure Seeker, and welcome to another episode of The Pleasure Files. And today we're going on an investigation into all things wetness, juiciness.

That wetness that we would love to see, or do love to see, when we get turned on.

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Before we start our investigation, I want to tell you about BECOMING, and I am so excited to share with you about this mentorship.

This one, I think, has been 20 years in the making, because it is pulling together everything that I've learned over the last 20 years that I know works for us women.

It's a group mentorship, like I said, and it's going to go for 9 months of 2026, starting in March 2026. And we're going to be blending somatics, so body-based practices, sacred embodied self-knowing, rituals, sexuality explorations, obviously, of course.

Personal myths, emotional unraveling… Deep sensual presence.

All of it in a group container, and of course, so, so much more. All of this is in a group container. We're gonna have live calls, we're gonna have recorded trainings, we're gonna have opening and closing rituals. I'm offering some bonus sexual exploration salons and

pelvic mapping so, so much, and I'm so deeply excited about it.

Spaces are going to be limited because this is very high touch, you're going to get a lot of my time and attention, and I want the group to be small so that we feel intimate and safe and connected as we go through this journey together.

I'll put some information in the show notes if you would like to check that out as well. And any questions or any thoughts, or if you want to chat with me about it, just reach out.

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Okay, on to getting and staying wet.

So, before we start with everything that I would love you to know about vaginal lubrication and vulva lubrication, I just want to say there are some medical conditions that

are affected by and affect the amount of lubrication that you have in your female body. This chat is outside of those medical conditions, because they're all very complicated, and they probably are, like.

podcasts, not just podcast episodes, but entire podcasts of their own. So just know that if you're listening and going, yes, but I have this diagnosis and I'm dry, I'm like, yes, I'm not surprised. Reach out, as always, if you want to chat about things.

This is more an exploration, an investigation of the general stuff around getting and staying wet.

That actually, to be honest with you, we should all know about, because even if we're wet and juicy now, that can change, and it can change quite quickly, which is also good to know if you're not wet and juicy now. That can also change quite quickly.

So, let's have a think about where we're gonna start with this, because there's so much.

I'm going to start with the obvious place, and I've already done a bunch of podcast episodes on this topic, and there's so much more to say about it, but we're talking about chronic stress, of course. A brain that won't turn off, a hypervigilant brain which is scanning all the time.

That kind of stress.

and tension in our bodies actually stops the flow of fluids. It stops our lubrication. And so stress is one of those things. I mean, we've learned over the years more and more and more the profound impact that stress has on our overall health.

It impacts.

Arousal juiciness, as well.

So…

One… okay, so, the next one that I wanted to mention, as we're talking about, stress, is tension. So, when I say tension, I mean more like body and muscle tension. If you have a tense body, and a tense pelvic floor, and

Spoiler alert, most of us have a tense pelvic floor. Most of us have some kind of, hypertonicity, it's called, like, some kind of tension in our pelvic floor. Even if your pelvic floor seems to be weak because you're leaking, or you're prolapsed, or things like that, it can actually be an underlying tension condition.

It stops the blood flow, it stops the fluid flow, it stops the nervous system talking to the tissue, so it stops pleasure.

Everything. It's, so tension actually really matters. And also, not moving enough. So, actually not using these amazing bodies that we have. We are living in a culture where we're sitting down for most of the day, especially if we have sit-down jobs.

Our pelvises don't like sitting down all day. Getting up and moving around as much as we possibly can to keep things moving.

Okay, a couple of other things, really basic things, that are really good to know, is…

This one might seem obvious as well. Not spending enough time getting aroused.

Now, This can be a bit of a tricky one, because…

It can take up to 45 minutes, especially if you're in a state of tension, or your partner is in a state of tension, for your system to actually drop in enough to get fully engorged, which is, like, swollen with fluids, and fully aroused.

But it can actually just take that long, which means, as women, we often have to do the work of sitting there and going, I deserve to take up space. I need 45 minutes, and that's what I need to ask for. I deserve to go as slowly as my body needs to go. I don't need to rush it because the other person is in more of a hurry.

It can be a real deal, right? That 45-minute thing?

Another thing that's really good to know, and again, I'm not going to go deeply into it in this one.

Because it's very complex, but it's just good to know that hormones deeply affect Our lubrication levels.

And that can be hormonal changes.

At various times of the… of our lives, puberty, perimenopause, menopause, pregnancy, lactation, just other hormonal changes for other reasons.

And it can also be hormonal birth controls. Hormonal birth control, I'm not a fan of any of them. The long-term implications of messing with our hormones

that like that, and not just in the short term with the amount of wetness we can have, and the amount of… and what it does to our libido, and what it does to our choice of partner. But it's just really good to know that hormonal birth control may be impacting this part of your body as well.

A really big, obvious one that a lot of us don't think about is dehydration. If we don't have enough fluids in our bodies to create fluids, we don't have enough fluids. So go and drink some water.

Drink some herbal tea. Not black tea, not coffee, they don't count. Go and drink some fluids and hydrate.

And on that, actually, a really good one to know, and again, I'm not going to go into depth in this one, because it's complicated.

But our blood sugar levels will actually impact our wetness.

So, what we're eating, and how we're eating it, and if we are prediabetes, or diabetes, or if we have blood sugar dysregulation, it can directly impact the amount of wetness we get.

So can caffeine.

So, before you pick up that second, third, fourth, and fifth coffee for the day, it actually really can impact

First of all, the amount of… that you can actually drop in and feel your body, especially when you're, stimulated by the caffeine.

But also, it dries you out, and it dries out the tissues.

There's a whole bunch of medications.

that can, impact wetness, like antihistamines, antidepressants, blood pressure medications, acne medications, allergy medications, which are also antihistamines. So just know that they can be playing a part, again, way beyond the scope of this conversation, but just know

Your medications could be playing a part if not being wet enough is something that's bothering you.

Smoking, nicotine, alcohol, cannabis, and nutrient deficiencies are actually all part of the story as well, and we can't ignore those.

Especially smoking, I believe, especially nicotine smoking. It seems to have a really big impact on the tissues.

Now, actually, let's pause here just for a moment and talk about why do we even care if we're wet enough?

Because there's loads of lubricants on the market, right? So…

why don't we just lube up and keep on going? And I'm not lube-shaming in any way. Please don't think that I'm lube-shaming. Lubrication can be an absolute lifesaver.

For so many of us.

Especially when we've tried everything, and nothing's shifting, and we actually just need some support in this area.

But if you haven't tried everything, and you're being a little bit dismissive, or you're just, like, shrugging and accepting as normal, dryness, or not getting wet with arousal.

It's actually really worth considering what's going on here, because this wetness is a sign of a body that's in flow.

It's a sign of a body that's aroused, and turned on, and relaxed, and receptive, and surrendering, and softening, and safe.

This wetness in her body actually tells us so much. It gives us so much information.

that it's actually really worth contemplating, if I'm not getting wet.

Is there something deeper going on inside of me that might be worth thinking about.

Things like, am I putting performance pressure on myself?

Am I making the act of sex all about orgasm?

Or about… My partner being happy.

Because that… Takes… can take away from your body being able to produce wetness.

How much shame are you carrying? Body and genital shame?

And before you say none.

Are you really comfortable with somebody else diving into the way that you taste and smell and look and feel?

Your entire body? Can you let it all hang out, soft and squidchy and jiggly?

What's your sexual trauma history? What's your fear of pain, or of being judged, or not being enough, or of being too much? Being too much is a big one for us women. How much do you let yourself go? Because what we're asking our tissues to do is let their fluids go, right?

How much do you let yourself go as a whole?

How safe do you feel?

How connected do you feel?

To the person that you're intimate with.

Are they moving too fast? Are they putting pressure on you? Expectation. Are they too rough? Are they too soft? Are they overstimulating? Are they going straight for the clip, because that's what they think they need to do?

What's actually going on in the act of intimacy?

Is there something that actually, if you're honest to yourself.

You don't actually like. That happens a lot.

Because… Your body may not open.

If that's the case.

Then…

we have the really practical things, and this also goes for vulva pain, so if you listen to the vulva pain episode, I mentioned this as well. Soaps, detergents.

The fabric of our underwear.

The products that we're told to use to wash ourselves, especially our vulva and our inside our vagina.

We don't need any of them, and they irritate us, and they irritate the tissues.

And they… Can really cause issues.

Irritate the tissues and cause issues. There we go, very nice.

Vibrators, so I'm openly anti the vibe.

And this can be another issue, like, this kind of overstimulation. The other thing can cause issues with lubrication. The other thing… sorry, I interrupted myself, because I wanted to say this, is

Vibrators can get everything happening so fast.

that they override the natural arousal pathways that the body goes through. So instead of going through a pathway of…

A little bit of arousal, more arousal, blood flow happening, the nervous system, the system softening, the body waking up, we just go straight to, bam, the body is awake. And so there isn't this chance of…

Everything to flow, and swell and get juicy and turned on, and delicious.

It's just about the orgasm. So again, it's just about the end result.

I already mentioned goal-oriented sex, like…

Focusing on the orgasm in sex instead of being in the moment.

Like, having this idea that the only reason we have sex, or the only… the only way to judge that sex was actually worth having, or that it was good, that we were good enough.

Was how much we or our partners orgasm.

It's such a… Missed… In terms of… The true potential.

Of sex.

Of intimacy. Of relating.

And then there's a couple more, which…

One of them's worth mentioning. Both of them are worth mentioning, I will mention both. We'll start with the first one, which is…

How much do you feel desired by your partner?

How much do you really feel their desire coming towards you? How much do they let you know that?

You are a goddess for them.

And does it happen in daily life as well, or is the only time that you're getting touched?

Those times when It's about sex, when there's an end goal in sight.

Because… Our bodies love to be primed.

They love to… Have the time.

To feel themselves lighting up.

And that can happen.

Ongoingly.

And this can be a conversation that might need to happen. You might want to talk to… you might want to listen to the episode about how to communicate with your partner about sex.

How do you communicate with your partner that

You would love to feel their desire coming towards you.

A pat on the bum, a hug, a kiss, a look, a wink.

A text message, a promise.

Whatever it looks like for you.

I don't know how being desired feels like for you and what your cues are, but are they something that you can ask for? And as a woman, we often don't want to ask. We're like, they should know. They should know that I want them to…

They don't. They can't read our minds.

So what can we ask for? What can we ask for? So that we can feel that

That delicious priming, that… Undercurrent of possibility.

More than just… When it's time to get it on.

So that our bodies have time to…

Be in that undercurrent, and for the juices to flow.

And on that, What about your self-pleasure practice?

Do you touch the tissues of your vulva and your vagina? Or are you going straight for your clit?

How much time do you spend?

Massaging, and touching, and stroking, and investigating, and loving, and… Celebrating.

Your own tissues.

For those of you that are going through menopause and your tissues are thinning, or for whatever reason that your tissue… what other reasons that your tissues might be thinning, this is one of the answers.

Touch your own body, like she's something that matters.

It actually stops your tissues from thinning out. It keeps your body juicy.

Daily touch practice.

Doesn't have to be with a purpose of pleasure, it doesn't have to be with the intention of orgasm. It's a daily touch practice.

And know that lubrication changes day to day.

As well.

Now, there's one more thing. I just remembered, I got to the end of my notes, and I remembered something else that I wanted to say that I will finish on.

And this is of interest, especially to those women who get very wet, especially inside, and then after a while of having penetrative sex, they're dry, and they don't understand why, because they're still turned on, they're still aroused, but they're starting to feel dry, and the tissues aren't feeling that good.

If your partner is circumcised, if the foreskin has been removed.

And he has a penis that has a head that's shaped a little bit like a mushroom cap. So some penises are like a rocket ship, and some are like a mushroom. If you have a mushroom man.

And he's circumcised.

Without the protection of that foreskin on the inside of your body, because as he moves inside you, that foreskin, if he has one, moves with his penis.

It's pleasure for him, it's protection for you, the foreskin is a wonderful thing. I do wish we would stop chopping it off.

If he doesn't have his foreskin and he has a mushroom head on his penis.

His penis kind of acts like a snowplow, and every time he pulls out or comes towards the opening.

He's bringing your wetness out with him. And it can be up to 80% of your witness trying to just get snow plowed out of him, out of you, with his, with his penis. So that's something to know. If you're wet, and then you're not wet, but you're still aroused.

This is one of those situations where I'd say 100% you probably need lube, because it's not about your own internal wetness.

It is the physiology, the physical limitations of the two bodies that are coming together.

Okay.

Those of you that have listened all the way to the end, go and drink some water.

Question whether or not you need that fifth coffee, or that fifth cup of tea.

Go and drink some water.

And have a think about what is your actual relationship with your body?

With slow, intimate sex that gives your body time.

To be fully aroused and wake up.

And with touching yourself.

And with feeling surrendered and safe, And…

Fully there when you're having sex, whether it's with yourself or with somebody else.

As always, Any questions?

Please reach out.

And I'm sending so much love.