How Women Get Aroused

BECOMING: A 9 month group mentorship with Naomi, for you to to grow into the woman you were always meant to be. Click here to find out more. 

In this episode, I guide you through the real timeline of female arousal, from the first moments of willingness to the deep, full-body turn-on many women never realise they’re able to have. 

You’ll hear why responsive desire is completely normal, why your body might need 30 to 45 minutes or more to be fully aroused, and how stress, tension, and rushing can switch your arousal off before it even begins. 

I walk you through the stages of arousal in clear, simple language so you can recognise them in yourself, support your body more fully, and ask for the time and touch you need. 

If you’ve ever wondered why desire doesn’t appear instantly, or why your body feels different to the stories you were taught, this episode will give you clarity. 

Transcript

Hello, pleasure seekers, and welcome to this episode of The Pleasure Files. And today, we're going to do a little investigation into

How do we actually get aroused?

How can we support our bodies to get more aroused?

Before we start this investigation, I just want to tell you about my program Becoming. That's starting next year in March, and I am so deeply excited about this program.

It's going to be a blend of everything that I know works to support women's bodies, women's psyches, women's… our relationships, our sexuality, our pleasure.

who we are as women. It's going to be a 9-month deep dive into the depths of you.

And who you come out at the other end is not going to be the same woman as who you went in.

I say this one's been 20 years in the making, because it is going to combine every single thing that I know works, because we've got to have 9 months to play together, so there is time to work through all of the things that there is to work through.

Spaces really will be limited for this one. It's a high-touch program. You're going to get a lot of my time and attention, a lot of my wisdom, and enthusiasm, and I'm keeping the group small so that we can bond together as a group.

And, you also can feel like you have all of the support that you need for this journey.

I'll put the info in the show notes. And also, just as a little extra, I have a new feature from my podcast host where you can actually just send me a text message. So if you have a look at the show notes.

There's… right at the top, there's the option to click and send me a message, and you're very welcome to. If there's any topics that you would ever like me to cover, if there is any feedback that you would like to give me, if you have any questions…

About anything that we talk about in these investigations, you're very welcome to reach out.

Okay, let's talk about how to get aroused.

What is actually going on?

Now, before I go into this, before we investigate this, there is something really important to say, which is, as women, we often compare ourselves, and we're often like, well.

The literature, or the books, or the social media, or the podcast, or the movie says that this is supposed to happen in this way, and in this amount of time, but it doesn't happen that way for me, so there must be something wrong with me. That's our go-to, right? It's always us that's at fault.

When actually… Every single one of us is different.

This is an idea of a process that may be different for you. It may be faster, it may be slower. It may go in slightly different order. I'm going to talk about an order of arousal.

So just remember that

If this doesn't fit exactly into what you notice, that's totally okay. Doesn't mean there's something wrong.

And there's still gonna be some value, and there's still gonna be some gold in here of things that you can try.

And things that you can do, if…

Being more aroused, juicy, wet, turned on.

All that deliciousness is something that you're looking for.

Okay, and one more thing that's worth saying, there's all of this Happens more slowly.

If we're stressed, or if we don't feel safe.

And so, go back in some previous, podcast episodes where we talk about desire, and we actually even, you know, even the episode about how do you communicate with your partner about sex, if you really want safety, and if you really want a relaxed nervous system.

all of the episodes have something to offer there, because it's a large part of the work that I do, is supporting bodies.

to become… As deliciously turned on as they want to be.

Through working with somatics, the body, the nervous system.

Okay.

How do we actually get aroused? What is going on?

Now… To start with, Let's just say it.

We, as women, a lot of us have responsive desire.

And that makes, that makes us, if we're waiting for that kind of Hollywood-style, like, oh my goodness.

push me against a wall-and-pound-me-baby kind of desire to be in our bodies.

We may be waiting for a very long time, because we may actually enter into the arousal sequence with low or neutral desire.

As long as we're curious, and as long as we're willing.

That's actually what's important. It's our willingness.

You know what?

I actually don't feel any arousal in my body at all. I don't feel any desire, but this human that I am intimate with.

I'm willing to be intimate with them, and I'm curious about what might happen, or I would like some more connection, or I have a wish for closeness.

I heard somebody say once, if you're looking for a hug, why don't you have a hug with a penis inside you?

Sex can also be that, right? Doesn't mean it's wrong.

Doesn't have to be slam you up against the wall and pound you. It can be a hug with a penis inside, of course, if you're intimate with penises.

So, in the beginning, there's possibly, likely, no physical signs of arousal in your body, and that's okay.

You may be the sort of person who has lingering arousal from the last time you have sex. Some women, their arousal, and we'll talk about what I actually even mean by that.

Lasts for a very long time.

And so, you may roll over into the next day, and you're still, like, juicy, and wet, and swollen, and turned on, and engorged, and all of those things, which we'll talk about.

And you may not be, that may not be your thing as well. And some of us feel spontaneous desire, which means we can go,

I think I'm up for it, and our body goes, haha, let's do it!

A small percentage of us also have that, but the majority of us have responsive desire. We respond to something coming our way.

Go back to the Desire episodes if you want to…

Think more about that. I think, especially number 3.

If I remember correctly.

Okay, so we have that first stage, and we have willingness, or curiosity, or a looking for connection.

And then, the next phase is our body starts to respond.

Now, obviously, I'm assuming that we've moved into foreplay at this point, or some kind of connection.

And our body starts to respond.

So, especially… If the connection and the stimulation is not pushing us anywhere, it's just gentle, it's unhurried.

It's… erotic cues are being met, whatever our erotic cues are, and that's up for you to work out for yourself what your erotic cues are, what…

Things can happen that tell your body, woohoo! We're doing this!

And then there starts to be an increase in blood flow down to the vulva.

And things might start to warm up, or start to swell just a little bit, so there might be a little bit of pressure.

The clitoris might swell up a little bit. By that I mean all of the clitoral structures, not just the head, that bit we play with, but also the legs and the bulbs.

Our breathing can change.

And hopefully, at this point, our busy minds might settle down a little bit.

And become a little bit more focused on pleasure.

Some women might start to get a little bit wet at this stage, but a lot of women don't.

And if we push, if we're frightened, like, even, like, low-grade underlying, if we're stressed, if we're rushing.

This can actually all just stop like that.

And it's worth noticing that this stage can take 10 to 15 minutes.

Of just this slight change in the body.

By which I mean, of course, 10 to 15 minutes of falling around. A foreplay of some sort.

And so if you take away anything from this, take away this.

If your body takes a long time to get aroused.

Great. You're very normal. It's okay.

Different things can make this process faster, like, if you do want to speed this up a little bit.

How calm you are, how calm your partner is, how much, what's the word I'm looking for? How little tension you have in your pelvic floor.

And the muscles around your genitals, they can all impact this happening faster.

But just know that if it takes some time, it takes some time.

We need foreplay. We need falling around. It's how it works.

So then, up to… 10? 15 minutes, maybe?

We start to have more changes, so we start to get a little bit wetter.

A little bit more lubrication.

And that's both on the inside of the vagina, and in the glands on the vulva, on the outside of the vagina.

So there may be more wetness on the outside of your body, and more wetness on the inside of your body.

And by the outside of your body, I mostly mean around the opening of the vagina at this point.

Your labia might start to swell up a bit more. Everything gets puffy.

Your clitoral hood might start to swell up, and your little clitoral head might stick its head out a little bit, if you have one that sticks its head out, and it might be a bit more sensitive.

Your vagina, the vaginal canal.

The part inside your body that something comes inside of, if you're having penetration of anything.

Actually gets softer.

And starts to get longer. Did you know this about yourself? Amazing women or guys? Did you know that your vagina actually softens and expands longer with arousal?

So that things can come inside it. It's a miracle of an organ, it's absolutely amazing.

It takes time, and again, we're talking safety and slowness.

Now, it's also really worth noticing that if we rush this process at this point.

And a lot of us do. If we're having penetration within the first 10 to 15 minutes of anything happening, or earlier, for some of us it's earlier. It's a little bit of a kiss, a little bit of a tweak of the nipples, and then something is inside our bodies.

Our body's not ready for penetration. And even at this stage.

We're not really ready for penetration. Things are starting to wake up!

But not really yet.

And this is the point where if we rush this, and we have penetration at this point, it's very easy to turn on to turn off.

And there can be discomfort or pain, there can be numbness, there can be all the issues that we have, there can be that feeling of something hitting us deep inside, because we haven't given time for our vagina to lengthen fully.

So, slow down.

Keep fooling around. Get creative with your fooling around.

What is it that you would love?

What do you like? What can you ask for?

Have a look at my episode on communication if asking for something feels impossible.

And if you don't know, Explore your own body.

And…

Really, practically, notice how long it takes you to get turned on, if you're exploring your own body, with stimulation.

And ask yourself, wow, I've been touching myself for 15 to 20 minutes, do I really want something inside me just now? If I put my fingers inside myself, does it feel like everything's wet enough for…

like, happy friction?

Of penetration?

Okay, so then we keep fooling around, right? This is what we're doing. We're up to about 20, 25 minutes here, maybe, maybe longer, maybe less.

And… We're still aroused.

We're still arousing, we're still getting aroused.

And so… Her clitoris swells up even more. Now, the clitoris is very interesting. She's an incredible organ.

Not only do you have the clitoral head.

And the hood, which is the bit that you play with, if you play with it. You also have the clitoral bulbs that go underneath your outer lips, your outer labia.

And that's one of the reasons why everything swells up and gets so puffy when you're fully aroused. It's partially that the internal swelling is happening of these bulbs, and partially that the vulva… the labial tissue itself also swells up. Everything gets swollen and puffy.

It can take up to 20 minutes for your clitoris to be fully

Swollen. Engorged, juicy, ready for stimulation and touch.

We often don't even have any idea of this, because we go straight for a vibrator, right? Which…

Just forces an orgasm, but doesn't actually…

Let our clitoris to get aroused, so we're having unaroused orgasms, which is fascinating to me.

The vagina also continues to lengthen until it lengthens as much as it's going to be, depending, of course, on the health of your pelvic floor, the size of your vagina, your tissues, the whole deal.

The blood flow to your whole pelvic floor increases.

And the fluid flow in general, but also then that means that the nervous system has greater capacity to talk pleasure

To your pelvis.

And you start to get some of those deeper, more interesting sensations. Now, if you're somebody who's interested in having

Orgasms outside of the clitoris.

Or or orgasms at all.

Pay attention to this, because we're talking 30… 40 minutes?

for these deeper sensations to become available, which means the possibility of deeper orgasm, or different orgasm. It takes time.

It's at this point They think, they say, in women's bodies, where our arousal

Kind of feeds on itself a little bit.

It's at this point

After this amount of foreplay and fooling around, that we might finally feel desire for sex. It can take this long to feel desire.

Up until now, it can just be willingness.

Sure, I'll give it a go. Why not?

That's fascinating, right?

Because we've been taught this desire model, we're all supposed to be desire, but the truth of our bodies is, it can be up to 30, 40 minutes before we feel any desire.

When our bodies are finally, fully engorged and juicy and ready, Then we're like, actually.

I would like to have something inside me, thank you. Or something licking me, or something touching me, or something playing with me in some way.

And then we go to… Full capacity. Full arousal.

Where your clitoral tissues are fully swollen.

Your vaginal walls are fully swollen, and they're plump with oxygen, and they're sensitive, and they're responsive.

I heard a very well-known sex educator during the week.

Talk about how the vaginal walls are not supposed to have any sensation. It's totally okay to be numb inside.

100% not true.

Our vagina has the fullest of capacities of sensation.

And I'm really sorry that she's educating this, and obviously that's her lived experience.

But our vaginal walls have the full capacity for sensation.

Unbelievable sensation.

But it takes time.

We might even start to have those waves moving through us.

these different kinds of orgasm might start to become available, if they haven't already become available. Again, you do you. If your body is different, that's great.

And it can take 45 minutes to get to this point.

And some takes even longer, especially depending on trust and stress and fear and shame, trauma history, etc, etc, etc.

And it's non-linear as well. Like, by that I mean, like, we're not doing this with goal orientation. We're not doing this to get somewhere.

If we go into… These experiences, with only the goal of orgasm in mind.

First of all, we've just missed out on 45-plus minutes of deliciousness.

Because who says that the orgasm's the only good part about this whole experience?

And also, who says that we have to go in a straight line towards orgasm and then it's all over?

Why can't we go on a wavy, bendy line towards an orgasm?

And then on a bendy, wavy line towards another orgasm, ugh!

And then another… Nobody says.

Everybody says.

That this is what sex is supposed to look like, but your body doesn't say that.

Arousal is not a switch we flick. It's a gradual build-up.

And we can play in those delicious, warm waters.

For a long, long time.

Especially when we take the goal out of it.

And especially, ESPECIALLY, When… We stop pushing ourselves.

To get something done.

No more rushing.

Talk to your partners. No more rushing. No more rushing my body.

Let's take the time our bodies need to take.

Now, I know from talking to clients.

That for a lot of you.

just the… even the idea of what on earth am I gonna do for 45 minutes to an hour? Like, what?

What even is there to do? What does my body want? I don't really like it when my partner does this, it doesn't feel that good. I'm not sure, I don't know… that whole thing. If this is you, let me know.

And I can do an episode on it if you're interested in what actually can we do, what are some practical…

sexy things that we can try. Let me know if that's of interest.

Reach out if you want to talk about this.

Because… An absolute ocean.

A forest, a meadow of… Pleasure.

He's waiting for you.

If you haven't already walked in those Fields swum in those waters.

And if you're just like, oh my god, what? Where do I start?

Great chat. Let's have a chat.

You never know what you might find in there.

Okay, that is today's pleasure file on how… We get aroused.

I'm sending so much love.

And we'll talk soon.