The Sex Skills Women Aren’t Taught

BECOMING: A 9 month group mentorship with Naomi, for you to to grow into the woman you were always meant to be. Click here to find out more. 

In this episode I talk about something many women struggle with. 

We spend so much time thinking sex is about technique or positions or doing things the right way. But the part that actually changes our experience happens much earlier than that. 

I walk you through the real foundations:

• slowness,
• breath,
• feeling your own body, 
• receiving, 
• communication, 
• and giving yourself permission to want pleasure. 

We look at why so many women find themselves rushing, performing, or not feeling very much, even when they are trying hard. 

And you will hear how these skills start to bring you back into your body so sex can feel safer, clearer, and more enjoyable. This episode is an invitation to understand what your system needs before any technique can matter at all.

Transcript

Hello, Pleasure Seekers, and welcome to this episode of The Pleasure Files, where we are going to dive into an investigation

Into the sex skills that women aren't taught.

Before we go there, though, before we jump deep into these waters…

I just want to let you know about BECOMING my 9-month mentorship that is starting in March of next year.

So, we're going to be touching on a lot of topics. We're going to be exploring a lot of concepts today when we're talking about the sex skills that women aren't taught.

And a lot of the topics and concepts that we're going to be exploring are actually going to be investigated.

in great depth during embody.

During BECOMING, I'm so sorry, during BECOMING.

This 9-month journey.

with the point, which is what I just had the slip up with, with the point of embodying.

Becoming the women that we were always meant to be.

With these and many other concepts.

our feet.

As our grounding into becoming these women.

So, as you listen to today's episode, if it talks to you at all, if it raises any interest, if it makes you go, oh…

Yeah.

That actually would have been really good for me to know, or yes, actually, I can see how that would make a really profound difference in my whole life, not just my sex life.

But who I am as a woman.

This may very well be a

Yeah, for you. The group mentorship for you.

I'll put the link in the show notes, please feel free to check it out, and you can always come and have a chat with me about it.

Spaces will be limited. This is a very high touch.

program, a lot of my time and attention, and group dynamics are very important to me. The intimacy of this program is very important to me as well.

So check it out.

See what you think.

And until then… Let's talk about… The sex skills that women…

So, the first thing that I want to say, the first place that we're going to start this investigation is

It seems a strange thing to say.

But pleasure is actually… A learned skill set.

Nope.

I have to make a little bit of a distinction here, because I believe that we are all born with a profound capacity for pleasure in our bodies.

I don't just mean sexual pleasure, I mean sensory input.

That brings sensation and feeling with it.

But just focusing on the sexual and the sensual.

Babies touch themselves in the womb for pleasure.

and regulation.

We are born with… these…

into these beings that explore light through our senses. You only have to watch an infant who can reach, or not even crawl yet, but reach for a few moments and notice how everything goes into the mouth.

Everything is explored. Our senses are used for us to make sense of the world.

And yet… We seem to forget how to do that.

We seem to get very much into our heads and very much into being good citizens and good people, and we forget that we're born into these bodies of sensation and pleasure.

Pleasure as a way of being.

When it comes to sex skills, there's one thing I need to say.

Some of you are possibly, probably hoping that I'm going to start talking about sex positions, and tips, and ways to use your fingers, or your tongues, or ways to encourage your partners to use their fingers, or their tongues, or their body parts.

In order to have more pleasure.

And yeah.

That stuff is useful. A sex skill in that way is useful.

Knowing a different position that might bring, different sensations in different parts of the body because of pressure or friction. Knowing different ways, like the empowerment of knowledge, the confidence that comes with knowledge.

before that.

Actually, all the way before that.

We need to actually think about… The underlying thing.

Does that matter?

Much, much more than the position that we're in.

That's what we're going to be talking about today.

The sex skills that will make

The biggest and most profound difference for you.

That's really worth thinking about.

ease… As women, we often blame ourselves.

When our sex life is… Not floating our boat. When it's not blowing our hair back.

When it's just… Meh.

Or worse than that.

We make it about ourselves, we make it about our skill level, we make it about our capacity for those positions, or the use of our fingers, or our tongues, or our bodies to bring pleasure to the other.

And… There is something about… Education. There is something about… Knowing.

What to do and how to do it.

I think the biggest thing is that…

When we don't know what we're doing…

Our brains often, because of our critical brains, we go into self-blame, and self-doubt, and shame.

And this is a distinct block to our turn-on and Awesome.

And so… there is… Use in knowing technique.

underneath Foundationally, The skills that we're going to be talking about today They… Trump technique.

One million times.

There is actually no competition at the end of the day.

If it comes to these 5 things, these five, six skills.

That I'm going to be talking about.

And the idea of technique.

So, if you came here hoping for me to describe how to get into reverse cowgirl without hurting your back…

Or how to encourage them to do a certain thing with a certain part of your body that will give you what you're looking for. Or how to teach you to pleasure a penis with your mouth.

Bear with me Let's go on this journey together, and…

Let's see if there is actually any value in Approaching sex.

From a different direction.

Okay.

The first skill.

That I want to offer you.

is slowness.

Now, I feel like I bang on about this a lot, and I worry that my audience has got to get bored about how much I talk about this, but…

I also don't think that this can be underestimated.

And… I don't think that we can understand, really, the importance.

Oh.

Slowness.

To our bodies and our beings.

Our bodies respond… most of our… many of our bodies respond so slowly.

That we don't even actually really understand how slowly they respond, especially if we're stressed. Talked about this a lot in other episodes, please go back.

Our bodies, female bodies, take The blood flow.

for swelling.

For relaxation. For full arousal.

We find ourselves rushing.

The question that I would invite you to ask yourself is…

Either in the moment or afterwards, is, am I in performance? Or am I in pleasure?

Because if you're rushing, Probably in performance. You're probably rushing because you feel like you have to.

Well, because you're worried about the other person's experience.

Slow down.

Filmo.

Give your body the time it needs.

you know, occasionally, I will talk to a woman, and she's like, you know, I don't want snow this.

I like hard, fast, you know, jackhammer-type sex.

that kind of sex, if you heard the bang bang bang I was making.

That kind of sex.

And my response to that is, yeah.

Okay.

But I would challenge that, and say, maybe you do.

And maybe… Because of the kind of sex you've been having.

Because of past traumas and experiences, because of vibrator use, because of all of those kinds of things.

Maybe your body isn't actually able to feel anymore what's really going on.

You've lost… Power of the subtlety of slowness.

And to that, I would say…

Slow down and see what happens.

Sit with the frustration of slowness.

If you think that you want fast, hard sex.

Tune… learn to tune in to your body, and we're going to talk about that a bit more. So let's move on.

To skill number.

2, which is… Learning how to use your breath.

We can't underestimate the power of our breath when it comes to sex. Like, breath… Can be used alone.

For orgasm, with no bodily touch at all.

It can regulate our arousal, it can turn on our bodies, it can soften

our pelvis and our genitals. It can allow… Everything…

To happen, that we want to have happening.

With our breath alone, we can become wetter and juicier.

Our bodies can be more in the flow.

We can feel more in our bodies.

We can turn off.

These crazy minds that never stop.

With our breath alone.

Learning how to breathe.

is really important.

Maybe I'll do a podcast episode just on that alone.

How to breathe to open the pelvic floor for more pleasure.

Can't be.

Underestimated.

And if you've never learned to breathe.

And I know it's kind of a funny thing to say, right? Learn to breathe like it isn't something that we just do without thinking about it.

But unless… And if you've never actually learned how to breathe for pleasure, for relaxation.

For pelvic floor opening, for arousal, for juiciness, for softness, for… Feeling.

There may be so much… Pleasure available to you.

This is why it's a sex skill.

And this is why slowness is a sex skill, and all of the other skills that I'm going to bring to you, this is why they're skills.

Because… If you're in performance mode…

If you're having sex in order to get something done.

If you're having hard and fast sound.

If you're not able to breathe and really feel your body, If you're not able to…

Do these other skills, as they… as we're going to talk about in a moment.

You're not fully able to be present to your partner.

You're not fully able to truly feel them.

And let them feel you.

Actually, the secret.

To amazing sex.

How much can you be here now?

How much can you feel them and laugh?

I feel you.

Because the rest is just technique.

The rest is just to put your leg here.

Press in this spot.

Hold this position, whatever it is.

That's it.

Presence.

The breath, the slowness.

The body awareness that we're talking about next.

Where?

The sex skills really come.

So let's talk about number 3, body awareness.

There's a big difference between noticing your body

And judging your body, because we can say body awareness, and you can be very aware of your body and everything that's wrong with that.

And another thing is, is that it's very easy.

To not notice what you're actually feeling.

And this is one of the biggest ones of the women that I work with, which is…

How much are you overriding and just not paying attention to?

And when you start to have actual body awareness, and you actually start to feel

How much there is to be felt.

How much numbness? How much pain, how much frustration? How much sadness?

It's all being held there in the body.

And when we're in performance mode, or when we're pushing through, or when we're making sure that the other person is having a good time, or whatever our story is around sex.

We're totally numbing our own pathways that bring arousal and sensation.

Feel what we don't notice.

Body awareness.

Learn how to scan your own body.

Learn how to breathe. A previous skill, number 2, breath.

Learn how to follow your breath down into your body for more awareness, for more feeling.

Learn how slow your body wants it to go by being aware of your own body.

Body awareness.

Another thing that might be worth saying here is that, you know, for a lot of us women.

We feel like we're being selfish during sex.

So if I say to you now.

Just completely focusing on your own self, and what you can feel, and what you would love.

Actually going on in your body, and completely surrender to that experience when you're having sex with another person, without worrying about them.

Are you able to do that?

Be able to take that moment of You time?

So that comes to skill number 4.

Which is receiving.

This can be a tricky one, right? There's a vulnerability in receiving.

In allowing ourselves to receive, in opening up to receive.

You know, I've been doing this work for a very long time, and I was talking to my partner this morning, and he said, you know, it took you 8 months.

When we first were together.

For you to actually start.

Fully receiving from me.

Without feeling like you have to give back in return, without feeling like I had to stop him, because it was too much.

Without all of the other patterns that we go into, because receiving is… So vulnerable.

Takes so much safety.

In order to receive.

Guilt. Shame.

Freeze.

Going into fawning.

It stops us.

From being able to receive.

A really basic way to check this, to try it, is…

Allow your partner, or ask your partner for some kind of touch that nourishes you.

And then see if you immediately feel like you need to give it in return.

Or, if you can just go, thank you.

That was great.

I enjoyed that very much.

And I was able to let it in. And the other thing is, is that while you're receiving that.

See if you can breathe it fully into yourself.

Not just the idea of it, but feel it, like, soaking into yourself.

Can you do that?

Which takes us beautifully into skill number 5, which is communication.

I did a whole episode on this, and that was only scratching the surface of communication.

It's such a big part of pleasure.

It doesn't have to be talk in the moment of having sex, it can be talking afterwards, it can be talking before.

It can be playing the 3-minute game, learning the wheel of consent.

It can be… Playing with your partner, it can be…

noticing what feels good, and sharing that. It can be communication without words, through sound, or through…

Picking up their hands and moving it, and on your body, it can be so many different things.

But when we speak our needs and our wants and our desires, This relaxes.

It feels safer. We feel more present, more seen, more heard, more carried, more held.

When there's communication.

And… A major issue with our sexual shutdown as women is Not really… Clear. Clearness.

Around what's about to happen, and what we would love to have happen, and what feels good, and what doesn't feel good, and…

Are you able to say.

Oh, could you just go to the left? Oh, if you just keep on doing that, but don't speed up, no. Like you were doing it.

Just stay there for a moment.

And then have the vulnerability of receiving and surrendering to that.

Without shaming, of course, the other person.

But there, like I said, there's an episode on communication.

So we move on to skill number 6, the last one of these sex skills.

And this one is… Internal permission.

That's such a big one.

You know, as women, It can't just be me and the women that I interact with.

It's many of us.

We feel like we have to earn or justify pleasure and desire and sex.

You know, we can't just enjoy our bodies and the experience for the sake of enjoying it.

Maybe we only get it when…

When we've worked hard enough that day, when the house is clean enough, when… has been.

Kind of partner we want them to be.

We feel like… it's like… Desire and pleasure and sex is, like, almost like a commodity to ourselves.

It's like something that we're only allowed to buy if we have enough money to buy it, and the money…

Is all of the stories that we tell ourselves that have to happen before we're allowed to enjoy it.

But if we just say to ourselves, wow, you are allowed Have sex, and enjoy sex.

To yourself or someone else.

Because you have a body.

Feels.

Permission?

It increases turn-on, arousal, lubrication, swelling, engorgement.

Pleasure, orgasm, but it also increases connection and intimacy.

With the other person.

You are allowed.

To want to enjoy sex. To enjoy sex.

And so, as you can see, let me go over them again. We talked about slowness, breath.

Body awareness. Receiving, communication, and internal permission.

This is the deal, right? All of these together…

Make you a woman who's present in her body, and present to the experience, and allowing pleasure to happen, and clear about her boundaries and communication.

Present to her orgasm and her pleasure.

That's the sex skill.

The rest is technique.

And… Even better.

If your partner is willing to do the same.

If your partner is also willing to do the work so that they are present.

So that they can feel.

So that they know how to breathe, and to communicate, and they know how to give themselves permission.

Pure enjoyment of this experience.

When two people come together with presents.

That's sex that changes the world.

That changes your life.

And it doesn't have to be Tantra. There's this idea, I think, in the communities that it has to be Tantra.

Because Tantra is the most vocal.

When it comes to this kind of sex, but it doesn't.

Need to be Tantra.

Pleasure with presents?

Sex changes.

And life changes.

Actually, relationships change. Everything changes.

When we can find… This kind of sex skill.

And these actually are the sex skills that we're not taught.

Because right from the beginning of your life, tell me, how many times did somebody say to you.

Breathe into your body.

Let's help you regulate your nervous system.

Let's help you feel your emotions. You're right, it is your body, and you have boundaries around it, and I am not going to push through your boundaries.

You're right.

You are allowed to have pleasure in your body. Here are the boundaries we have around pleasure. Please don't touch yourself in front of our guests, but you're very welcome to enjoy yourself in the privacy of your bed.

Who was taught to breathe as a child?

Who was taught the slowness of their breath? Who was taught body awareness?

As a child and upward.

Who was taught as a woman that you are here to receive, not

That you are here to be of use to those people around you.

Who was ever told that they have permission to be a fully sexual, expressed, delicious, juicy woman?

These are the sex skills that we're not taught.

And they're the ones that matter.

So, pleasure seekers.

That's what I have for you today.

A little bit odd.

Hopefully.

inspiration. Into… Thinking differently around sex.

Outside of the concept.

of positions.

And into the concept of what actually makes sex.

Really, really.

Sending so much love to you all.