A Practical Guide to Dating Again Part 1

BECOMING: A 9 month group mentorship with Naomi, for you to to grow into the woman you were always meant to be. Click here to find out more. 

Dating can feel SO HARD. In this episode of The Pleasure Files, I share a practical, healthy to returning to dating without rushing, overriding yourself, or turning it into a measure of your worth.

We talk about pacing, dating apps, texting, and first dates, with clear guidance on how to reduce pressure, fantasy, and early over attachment. I explain why texting is logistics rather than intimacy, how to choose dates that support your nervous system, and how to say thank you but no thank you without people pleasing.

This episode is for you if you want dating to feel clearer, steadier, and more supportive, especially after time away.

Transcript

Welcome, pleasure seekers, to this episode of The Pleasure Files, a practical guide to dating, Part 1. I'm calling this Part 1, and next week will be Part 2, because Part 1 is all about getting to the point of sex and intimacy when dating.

And part two next week, well, it's going to be all about sex and intimacy with a new person, and how that can all work and unfold in healthy, supportive, nourishing ways when you're dating and meeting new people for the first time.

This episode has come about because of listener and client requests, so I trust that it will be supportive if you are one of those that is getting back into dating again, or has been dating for a while, and has realized that you need a little bit of something to make the experience a whole lot better.

Before we get going into our investigation, I wanted to again mention becoming my 9-month group mentorship that starts in March next year. And if you are, for example, somebody who is getting back into dating, or is interested in a more…

Deeper, nourishing experience of meeting people and exploring sexuality.

This program will actually be perfect for you, because it will unfold in ways that support you to learn who you are, what you want, what you are unwilling to settle for in your life, what you value and desire and expect, in terms of

Intimacy and treatment from other people, and also gentle, nourishing, fulfilling ways of calling that into your life and receiving it.

So, if this, if this episode of the Practical Guide to Getting into Dating, again.

Part 1 is something that speaks to you, check out the link and have a look at becoming as well.

Like I said, we start in March next year, and spaces are very limited for this one. You have a lot of my time and attention, and there will only be enough women that I can give you exactly what you need for 9 months with me.

Okay.

Here we go. Let's talk about dating.

Now, some of you may know that I met my, partner, my love, about, 18 months ago, it must be now.

And I met him through the apps, through Bumble, to be precise.

And dating again on the apps taught me a lot about, about dating.

About what it takes to meet people.

Doing this work also, of course, taught me a lot about dating and what it takes to meet people, and I also had an amazing dating coach myself, who I worked with, who taught me a lot about dating and love and expectations and all of those sorts of things.

So what I'm offering you today is something that's actually a little bit fresh for me as well, in terms of having gone through this process myself.

And so if dating, again, is one of those things that you're a bit about.

I feel you. I've been there. I understand. You will survive.

And I'm gonna also, in a moment, tell you my technique for being on the apps, if that's gonna be your choice for meeting people, if meeting people organically isn't something that flows in your life.

Because the apps can really mess with our heads, and there are ways to manage being on them, so that they're not quite…

As difficult for our psyches, for our beings, as they can be.

So let's go deep into this exploration of dating and meeting people for the first time, or many times.

The first thing I wanted to say today is you don't need to be fully healed before you date.

I think a lot of us have this belief that in order to date, I need to have sorted all my stuff out, so that I can show up the best possible version of myself and get the best possible version of them.

It's a beautiful idea.

And the reality is, is that the majority of our growth happens while we're in relationships, not while we're doing the work on ourselves, about ourselves.

So, I would encourage you, wherever you feel like you are on your self-healing journey.

Take a deep breath, and go dating.

Don't wait, and assume that you will be ready at some point.

And the other thing is, don't assume that everybody else has it all together.

Everybody is nervous, and anxious, and wanting connection, and longing, and everybody's got their pasts, and their baggage, and their hangups, and all of those things. There isn't any one person who has this all sorted out. We're all human. We're all vulnerable, we're all fallible.

And so, when you go into dates, don't assume that the other person is so much further along their dating journey than you are.

They're just another human, wanting connection.

And another good thing that it can be, before you start dating, and especially if it's been a while.

Work out before you even start, like, how often is gonna work for you in your life?

So some people say, unless you're having 3 days a week, you're not actually putting enough time and energy into it.

I say that's a lovely idea, but not everybody's life, not everybody's nervous system, not everybody's energy levels can support 3 dates a week.

Going into dating with a clear understanding of how often you want to meet somebody in person, how long you're willing to text with before you meet in person, and we'll talk about that a little bit more.

a little bit more in a moment. And also.

how many dates you want to have in a week, because you may be messaging and meeting with multiple people, which we'll talk about in a moment as well. So work out what actually is going to feel good for you before you go in.

And so that you can honor your own needs in this as well. Especially because we sometimes, we get a little bit overwhelmed by it, and we feel like we have to show up for the other person so that they know that we're wanted, or we have to push, or, you know, like, be clear going in. Just to take a little bit of the pressure off yourself.

Now, I wanted to tell you about my app technique, because I think it's a good one. I really do. I really do think it's a good one. And I, like I said, I was on Bumble, I think I was also on Tinder, but Bumble is the one that I preferred.

And… but this technique would actually work with Bumble and Tinder and OkCupid, and Field, and whatever is in your country or city, that seems to be the app that works. And also on that, just to say, if you are going to go on the apps, there is no one app that's better than the others.

You know, maybe if you are going on field, it is more, designed to support people to have sexual exploration.

Maybe… so maybe keeping that in mind. There are some more like Bumble or OkCupid that might be, like, sort of slanted a little bit more towards dating and meeting and relating. Tinder can also be a meeting and relating app, even though it often has a reputation of a just sex app.

But what I would say is don't always assume that the better people to meet are on the other apps.

Now, my… Technique on the app.

I just realized as I was talking, is probably best suited to heterosexual dating, as in, you are a woman and you're looking to meet a man.

This may also work, if you're a woman looking to meet a woman.

However, I would say that if you're both using my technique, you're very unlikely to meet if it's two women, looking to meet. So just keeping that in mind as well.

So my technique in a nutshell is this. When you're on the apps, don't swipe.

As a woman, don't swipe.

Pay

To have access to the premium account of whichever app you choose, and then go and have a look at who has swiped on you, or expressed interest for you.

And based on those people, swipe on 2 or 3 or 4 of those, and begin communication with them.

And the reason I say this is because swiping for our brains

Can be so overwhelming, and can actually mess with our minds to such a degree that it actually can create a dating environment, just in terms of our internal landscape, that is deeply unsupportive to a healthy dating environment.

If you can find a way not to swipe, but still see who liked you, Amazing.

And then always have around 3 or 4 or 5 people that you're chatting with at any one time.

Not just one. And we're going to talk about that next.

And so that way, you can be chatting with multiple people, and feeling into multiple people, and we'll talk about texting as well.

And as one becomes not great, and you want to, actually end the texting with or without meeting them, without meeting them if it's not great, you can say thank you, no thank you, unless they are crossing boundaries, which we'll talk about, in which case you can exit that chat.

And then you can find somebody else who's already swiped on you, which is kind of like a hot… a hot ticket.

And begin communicating with them.

It takes all of the headfuckery out of the apps to pay and see who's liked you.

Okay, that's my technique. It worked for me, I promise. It worked for me very quickly and very effectively. I was chatting with, I think, 7 men, and, when I met, my current partner on Bumble.

Okay, so let's talk about this chatting with 7 men that I just said, or, making sure that you're chatting with more than, like, texting with one than more.

one… more than one man at once. Or more than one woman at once. Okay, so this… we are now broadening out again into whoever you wish to date, whatever sex they are, this is all relevant information.

Please, try not to date just one person at a time.

Try not to just message with one person at a time, and go on dates with just one person at a time, especially in the beginning.

We project so much onto these early dates.

We get attached immediately. We get attached through texting, which we will talk about.

We put so much pressure on the dates and on the other person.

We fantasy bond to the idea of them and the perfect life that we're going to create together without having any sense of that's even a possible reality.

Fantasy actually grows the fastest if you're exclusively focused on just one person at a time.

We can escalate sexually far faster than we're willing to if it's just one person that we're focusing on.

We can over-interpret good things that happen on the date and give them so much more meaning.

Then just a good experience with this person, who may or may not be a person that I'm willing to enter into a relationship with.

One thing that's really good to know is, when you go on a date with somebody, or if you're texting with somebody, you don't owe them anything.

So going on a date with one person, especially in those early days of dating, before you've had a conversation about, how are we going? Are we keeping going with this? Is this, something that we want to pursue and grow together?

You don't owe them exclusivity until you've had the exclusivity conversation, especially not if you're just texting or in the early stages. So please remember that you don't owe them anything.

Because they're giving you some time, you're giving them time in return. It's a mutual exchange, you're both benefiting, there is no owing.

And if you've been away from dating or sex for a long time, the nervous system tends to grab on really quickly, because we get really hopeful.

And so having multiple people that we're chatting with lessens the amount that the nervous system might grab onto, or fixate on, or fantasize about one particular person.

And it also removes the pressure. Like, this overwhelming pressure of, oh my goodness, this date has to go well, this experience doesn't have to go well, because it's either this person or nobody.

If there's other people that you're chatting with, you know that there are other people. It's not them or nobody.

I really recommend, don't just chat with, and don't just date one person at a time. Have a couple on the go. And yes, I know it takes a lot of time, and it takes energy, and it takes organization, and it takes showing up.

But, just like anything in our lives, if this is actually something that we want, we do need to put time and energy into it.

So let's talk about texting in the early days, whether we've met somebody out there in the wild, or whether we've made a connection on

on the, on the apps, or some… on a website, or something like that. Or even if we've been, you know, if we've, been… what's the word when you… somebody tells you, meet…

Oh my goodness, I've completely forgotten the word when somebody suggests that the two of you meet. You know what I mean. Setup? Are we calling that a setup? Anyway, you know what I mean.

Texting is logistics, it's not intimacy. When we are texting with somebody and we're reading their responses, we are filling in the blanks of their emotion, of their temperament, of their belief patterns, of what it is that they're trying to tell us. We're reading deeper meaning into these texts.

We can so quickly go into fantasy over texting, because we can't hear tone.

Texting is about logistics.

Texting is about getting to know somebody enough that you think, okay, this person seems to be okay.

I'm willing to go dating. I'm willing to go on a date with this person.

Meet in person within 1-2 weeks of texting. Don't let it draw out.

For weeks and months. Because then you're having a fantasy relationship with somebody over text. You can't feel them. Your nervous system can't feel their nervous system.

You can't smell them. You can't see them. You can't see if the person showing up in front of you is actually the person who's in the photos on the app, or the person that you have… that your friend has promised you that they are going to be like.

Texting is logistics. And that's it.

It would be lovely if it gave us more information, but it actually, honestly, rarely does.

Meeting earlier gives you a reality check.

Before you start pouring hours and hours and hours of time into this person who may or may not be in your life for a short or a long time.

So, a couple of other things about the texting.

If the person becomes inappropriately sexual immediately or too early, end the conversation.

If the person says something to you in a message that you actually wouldn't accept from them saying to you in real life, in person.

End the conversation.

You don't owe them anything, and women, you don't need to educate them about how to be better daters. You don't need to launch into an explanation of, wow, what they said was actually not appropriate.

We love to educate to make these people better people and better datas. We don't owe them that. Why give them your time?

It's a wild world out there once you start putting yourself out and connecting with strangers.

Give them… give the ones that respect you, and show up, and we'll talk about that in a moment.

Your time and energy.

And if they speak to you in a way that you wouldn't like in real life.

Why are you talking to them?

So, let's talk about going on first dates. My recommendation is choose a short date with an easy exit.

Don't settle in for a five-course dinner, or don't go to a movie where you can't really talk to them anyway.

Go on… go for a copy, or a walk.

So that you can feel them and get to know them before you commit to a larger amount of time.

And honestly, you are allowed to meet with more than one person on a Saturday afternoon.

You really are allowed to have a lunch date, and an afternoon date, and a dinner date, if Saturday is your only chance to meet people, and you're committed to this experience of your life.

You don't owe them anything, especially in those initial dates.

And, just remember as well that

We are so hard on ourselves, and our self-evaluation of dating is so hard.

But dating is actually information gathering. It's not us giving ourselves a massive critique about how terrible we are after the dating has ended.

Dating is information gathering about how the other person shows up.

That's all it really is, especially in those early dates.

How are they showing up within themselves?

We'll talk in a moment about the questions that I suggest you ask yourself.

And you are allowed to say.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Either in person or in a text message afterwards. Even if the other person pays for whatever it is that you experience in the date.

You don't owe them another date because they bought you a 5 euro coffee, a $5 coffee.

You can say thank you. I'm good. It was really lovely to meet you. I don't feel like there is a connection between us. Thank you so much for your time. All the best.

And be really honest with yourself. If somebody messages you and go, you know what, I'm not feeling it, but I'd like to be friends.

Do you actually want to be friends with this complete stranger? Do you have enough friends that you don't need more friends? What you actually want is a delicious, connected, deeply present lover who is going to blow your hair back.

And light you up from the inside. And I use lover as the broader term in terms of relationship as well.

You don't have to say, okay, let's just be friends, just because they don't want to be in relationship to you.

You don't have to explain or justify your no.

You can have clear communication absolutely from the beginning.

Thank you, but no thank you.

It was really lovely to meet you, but I'm not feeling it. I wish you all the best.

And…

If they do or say anything within the date that does not fit well with you, that crosses boundaries, that goes against your belief patterns, that is like… like a real red flag.

You are well within your rights to go.

You're halfway through the date. Thank you. I actually don't think we're a great match, but I appreciate your time, and you're allowed to get up and walk away. You don't owe them anything. You are having an energy exchange, and that is all.

That needs to happen.

A couple more things.

Being met matters more than being chosen.

The person Messaging you, and telling you how wonderful you are, and

Telling you how wonderful you would be together, and telling you all the amazing things.

When in yourself, if you actually really check in, you don't feel like they're present for you, and you don't feel like you're actually being seen.

It can be really lovely to,

you know, like, fall into that, oh, I'm being chosen.

It's filling up something inside of me. But if you don't actually feel meant by this person inside of yourself, who is it that you're being chosen by, and what value does that have for yourself?

Another thing is, is that you are allowed to stop, and pause, and breathe, and…

Take the time that you need to take.

I was gonna say this later, but I'm just gonna say it now, actually, is that dating can be a beautiful, repairing experience, especially for those of us that had terrible experiences, whether dating or in relationship.

We can get repair within ourselves, within our nervous system, within our belief patterns, before… or by dating.

We can actually have dating to be a beautiful experience. It can help us build trust in ourselves and with other people. Having very strong boundaries and understanding ourselves a little bit before we go in.

Not explaining our no, having our thank you message ready to go, noticing how we feel in ourselves, calling it if it's not working, saying thank you but no thank you, and walking away when you need to walk away, can all be really beautiful, reparative things that you're gifting yourself.

I'm no longer going to be the person who puts up with that kind of behaviour in my life. Thank you, but no, thank you. I'm moving on.

It's a beautiful thing.

Dating doesn't have to be traumatic. It really doesn't. And on that, a mindset of, this could be fun.

I could meet people and enjoy myself.

Especially if you don't go into every date assuming that you're going to marry the person in front of you, or be in a long-term relationship with the person in front of you. And especially on that, if you have multiple people that you're chatting with, you're allowed to have fun. You're really allowed to have fun.

I found dating to be so much fun in the end. In the beginning, it was horror. I had to work through that all.

By the end.

It was fun. And that showed up in the way that I showed up in dates, and then they became beautiful, positive, reparative experiences.

And one of the things that helps that happen is having a pleasure practice outside of dating.

Having some kind of touch practice, body awareness practice, so that you are connected to your own body, so that you feel yourself.

So that you have pleasure in your life, and so that you're not going into dating starving and hungry and desperate for touch and pleasure, because you're only getting it from somebody else.

If you… excuse me, if you can go to a date and have an orgasm before you go to the date.

Oh my goodness.

Think about how you feel in yourself after an orgasm.

Amazing.

So much juicier than if you haven't touched yourself or self-pleasured, and you're waiting for somebody else to bring that to you.

We're going to talk about sex and dating, like I said in the next episode, and that's going to include those conversations for those of you that haven't had sex for a long time and you want to talk about it before you have sex with the other person, and for those of you that have pain or other issues with sex, and you want to talk about it with the other person. We're going to troubleshoot all of that as well.

Just so you know.

And so I have a list of questions that I give, that I suggest to my clients, those that are dating, and those that actually that are in relationships.

To feel into, to give some information for themselves outside of the projection and the fantasy, and the desire, and the hope, and the longing, and the dreams that we might fall into with other people.

And the questions are these.

Do I feel safe with this person?

In your body, do you feel safe?

Do I feel like I can be the best version of myself around this person?

Do I feel like they are encouraging me to be the best version of myself?

If I check in with how I feel now with this person.

If I feel like this still in 5 years' time, would I be happy in this relationship?

And here's a good one.

If my daughter, whoever she might be, just, you know, imagine a daughter, if you don't have one. If my daughter was on a date, or was in a relationship with this person, would I encourage her to stay?

And they're my questions.

Okay, that's everything that I wanted to cover today for dating after not dating for a while, or for just up-leveling your dating game a little bit.

For making it more of a positive experience than the absolute drag that it can be.

If you have any thoughts or any questions, you are very welcome to reach out to me. You can reach out very easily through the link in the show notes.

You can reach out directly to me that way. Otherwise, I always welcome an email or a chat in that way. And like I said, next week.

We're going to be talking about a practical guide to dating again, slash sex and intimacy.

I'm sending so much love to you all.