A Practical Guide to Dating Again Part 2: Sex and Intimacy

BECOMING: A 9 month group mentorship with Naomi, for you to to grow into the woman you were always meant to be. Click here to find out more. 

Sex and intimacy in dating can feel confusing and pressured, especially if your body does not always respond easily, if it has been a long time, or if you have learned to push yourself to keep connection.

In this episode, we slow things right down. I am not sharing rules about when to have sex. We talk instead about how to know when intimacy is actually supportive for your body and nervous system, why safety matters more than timing, and how to have honest conversations about sex before it happens.

If you have ever said yes while part of you was unsure, this episode will help you come back to your own pace, your own needs, and a deeper sense of safety in dating intimacy.

Transcript

Hello, Pleasure Seekers, and welcome to a Practical Guide for Dating Again, part 2.

this new episode of the Pleasure Files Podcast. And today, we are talking about that…

Can be difficult, can be emotionally charged, can be all sorts of things, conversation, which is…

Sex and intimacy in dating and sex and intimacy with a potential new partner. How do we navigate it? What does it mean? How can we do it well? Especially if we are struggling in some way with sex or intimacy?

Before we get there, I just want to tell you a little bit more about becoming. Now, I've spoken about this a little bit at the beginning of the podcast episodes so far.

And I've been getting some questions about the program, so I just wanted to take a few moments just to share with you a little bit more about becoming.

I dreamt into this program because I wanted to give women time

to really… I mean, the tagline for this is to grow into the woman you were always meant to be. And that really is the intention with this program.

Maybe you're at a life threshold, for example, perimenopause, or menopause, or a relationship change, or children growing up, or something big is happening in your world.

Maybe it's disappointing sex, or issues with sex that you're managing, maybe it's intimacy and relating, or maybe there's just something deep inside you that knows that there needs to be more, that there is more, and you're just not really sure how to

Walk the path to find it.

I've been working with women for two decades now, and…

this program, I'm so proud of it. I had another read through what I've put together as the 9-month flow, and I'm so excited and proud of this program, because

It's not only going to be life-changing, it's going to be nourishing, it's going to be fun, it's going to be juicy, it's going to be sexy, it's going to be the kind of program where

It might not be that you're a different woman at the end of it, but you're gonna know yourself so deeply.

I'm combining ritual, there's opening and closing rituals, with sexuality salons and pelvic mapping journeys and womb rituals, as well as all of the different themes for every month that we're together for the 9 months.

And it's in a container of incredible women who are going to be joining you in this journey.

So, I will put a link for this in the, in the show notes. Please have a read if you are curious. And if you would like to have a chat with me about it, of course reach out, and let's have a chat as well.

And just to say again, it's a… it's a limited size program. I really am curating a deep journey where the women in the program

in this mentorship are going to know themselves and each other deeply. This is going to be a support of your sisters kind of experience.

So, if you are curious about it, please reach out. Don't hesitate with this one, because once we're full, I will be, cutting off the numbers. So…

That's all I have to say about that. Have a look in the show notes if you're curious. And now, let's talk about… talking about…

sex and intimacy when we're dating. So, last week was the Practical Guide to Dating Again, part one, where we just went over some of the more practical things about dating, because dating itself can be such…

A… it can mess with our heads so deeply.

Let alone the sex and intimacy part. So, if you haven't yet listened to it, but you're into the dating experience, have a look, and have a listen to last week's episode.

And this week, it's all about sex and intimacy, and talking about sex and intimacy, and having sex and intimacy with a new partner.

As well.

It's really common that this is confusing, or that we feel pressured or disconnected from this, because… Where…

told so many different things about ourselves. We're supposed to be empowered and sexual, but we're not supposed to get attached, and we're not supposed to be too much, and then there's all the attachment styles, and what are you actually thinking when you're thinking it, and maybe it's not that you want them, maybe it's that you're an anxious attached person, or an avoidant, and there's so much going on with this.

And so…

Just to be really clear, like, this episode isn't rules for when you're allowed to have sex. I don't have rules for when you're allowed to have sex. It's up to you. It's your body, it's your life, but we've got to talk about some things that really matter when it comes to intimacy and sex with a new person.

So… Where I want to start is… By acknowledging that, as women.

We can jump into sex before we're ready for it.

Because dating can happen quickly. We can be afraid that if we don't jump into physical intimacy quickly enough, the other person will get bored of us, or will be no longer interested in us.

We can jump into it too quickly because there's chemistry between us.

And we're not noticing that we're actually not compatible. It's really just chemistry.

And we can jump into sex and intimacy too quickly, because…

we feel like it's expected of us. That's just how it is now, right? Or we want to feel closer to them.

So… Just to be aware that…

There is some pressure on you if you're dating.

To have sex quickly, whether you're ready or not.

And it's really worth making it really clear that

Sex doesn't create emotional safety with another person.

We think it does. Because we think that sex is vulnerable, and then we're going to have safety with that person because we had the act of sex.

But the truth is, is that actual emotional safety

Is what makes sex good, or great, or epic, or amazing.

So, if we want to feel safer, or if we want to feel closer, and we're using sex in order to have that experience.

It actually is we're going about it backwards.

Where emotional safety comes from is communication, and from going slowly enough

That you can feel your own system, and be really, really clear In what's going on.

Slowing down gives you time to gather information.

You can see… How your potential partner responds to your boundaries.

Which gives you a lot of information about safety.

You can see how your potential partner responds to disappointment, which gives you a lot of information about Safety.

You can see how consistent your potential partner is. Do they show up? Do they show up? Do they show up?

That tells you a lot about safety.

Sex really thrives, and intimacy really thrives when there is…

Emotional connection, emotional safety, and talking about sex.

is a predictor of this safety and of sexual satisfaction. I'm going to say that again. Talking to your potential sexual partner, or talking to your sexual partner, full stop, doesn't just have to be at the beginning, is a huge predictor

of satisfaction.

That's the Gottmans work, so if you want to read more about that, go and find, the Gottmans, they're all over the social medias.

And on YouTube.

Talking about sex is really important, and I like to say.

If you're not comfortable talking about sex with this person.

Why would you be comfortable having their mouth, their fingers, their penis.

On or in the most vulnerable and intimate part of you.

Why is the physical act treated with such casualness?

When actually, it's the most…

Sacred thing that we can actually offer another person.

They will have parts of themselves inside your body, possibly. We'll talk about that.

It's such a sacred offering.

But we treat it with such casualness, and we think that the talking is the vulnerable and the difficult thing.

There's no one right timeline.

For any of this.

So… Let's put this into practice, right? Excuse me.

You're dating this person, and you've got some attraction between you, and you would like to take it a little bit further.

And you haven't had sex in a very long time, or you have pain, or you have sexual issues.

Which means that you're not, and I do put this in very strong inverted commas, you're not normal when it comes to sex, and let's face it, who is normal when it comes to sex?

So what do we do?

And this is one of the issues, right? Because we're trying to impress.

At the beginning.

And so, to have the hard conversation and say.

I've really been enjoying getting to know you, and I would like to talk to you about

More physical intimacy between us.

But I need you to know that I actually can't have touch to my vulva, or penetration into my body at the moment.

Because this is… because of these reasons. Or…

But I'd really… I'd really like to talk this through with you, because it has actually been a really long time since I had sex last, and I'm feeling these particular feelings.

When I think about having sex again.

And so I'd like to discuss it with you so that I can relax and feel safe.

And understand that we both know what's happening.

If you think about having that conversation with somebody.

Or, even if it hasn't been a long time, and there isn't any pain or any issues, and it's simply a conversation about, I'd like to be more physically intimate with you, I'm feeling these feelings about it, I'd love to discuss what it could look like before we take it any further.

The most vulnerable and generous gift you can offer another person.

And ladies, watch how your potential partner shows up.

Watch how much space they can hold, how strongly they can hold you and allow you to be a sexual woman with needs.

All of that stuff.

Such good information there.

So, you're allowed to be imperfect.

You're allowed to be imperfect. You're allowed for it to have been a while. You're allowed to have pain. You're allowed to have needs.

All of that you're allowed.

I know we're all trying to impress, especially at the beginning, but you are allowed to have needs.

And really look into it. Are you shaming yourself, or making yourself broken, or less than?

Because you have sexual needs, and you're not just, like, some screamingly orgasmic Porn-style sex woman.

And let's face it, who is?

Are you shaming yourself for that?

Are you making yourself less than the person that you would like to have sex with? Are you making yourself less than their

Previous sexual partners, even though you know nothing about their previous sexual partners.

Pay attention to their response to the conversation.

And here's the deal with this, and why I so deeply encourage conversation about it before it goes any further.

If your body doesn't feel safe.

It's not going to be easy to get aroused and juicy.

Or you're not going to feel deeply connected during sex.

And then it's just a physical act of a body part, and another body part, and… you know?

A body that feels safe is the most important part.

Of sex with a new person, and with a person you've been having sex with for a long time.

If you feel into having sex with this person, And… You're feeling like… You're having to push yourself.

Or you're feeling tired or overwhelmed at the thought of it.

Or you're not trusting yourself around it.

There's something that's not flowing there.

And maybe it's some work that needs to happen within you.

But, and, maybe it's a conversation that needs to be had.

And here's a few good questions as well. If you're like, oh no, I'm cool, we can just go ahead and have sex. It's all good.

Imagine… You're saying no to this person.

What happens in your body?

Imagine that you have sex, and then you no longer see this person again.

What happens in your body?

Can you actually even feel your body when you imagine having sex? Are you in your body?

And imagine having sex with them and ask yourself, do you like yourself more or less at the thought of it?

And if you do go ahead and have sex with somebody, do you like yourself more or less afterwards? Do you feel more grounded?

Do you feel clearer? Do you feel present in your body? Or do you feel unsettled and confused?

And really watch out for those potential partners who are rushing intimacy.

Without checking in about how comfortable you are with intimacy. Here's the deal.

Just because you've been on a date, or a bunch of dates with somebody.

And just because the progression of your relationship seems to be moving in sexual directions.

Doesn't mean that they have any right.

to your body.

Or your sexual self.

It's a gift that you offer.

They don't have any right, and if they're pushing or rushing you without checking.

To make sure that you're truly on board with this.

To be honest, I kind of also think how we do one thing is how we do everything. And so if they're rushing, or pushing.

Is it really going to be deep, nourishing, relaxing, connected sex? Or is it going to be pushing and rushing sex?

If you feel responsible for keeping the connection between the two of you alive, if you're putting far more effort into the beginning stages of this relationship than they are.

If how we do one thing is how we do everything, is that gonna be good sex?

If they're barely showing up, Is that good sex?

If you feel like your body's shutting down and tightening, and you're struggling, to stay there.

That's not the recipe for good sex.

But if you are finding somebody who

is responding well to requests to slow down if you need to. Who's interested in you as a whole woman, not just somebody who they could potentially have sex with.

If you're feeling relaxed and open, and if the idea of sex, or the sex at all, leaves you feeling settled.

A partner who's the right partner for you won't require you to override yourself, to push yourself down in order to connect with them.

And this is why… There is no perfect timeline.

When it comes to physical intimacy and dating.

It's because it's your system that really needs to dictate the speed.

And if your system is slow.

That speed might need to be very slow as well.

I mentioned last week that I have some questions.

that I offer my clients, and I recommend,

That people ask themselves. So let's ask them again about intimacy, with sexual intimacy, physical intimacy.

Do I feel safe with this person?

Do I feel like I can be the best version of myself around this person?

Is this person encouraging me to be the best possible version of myself that I can be?

If my daughter was in a relationship with this person.

Would I encourage her to stay?

If my daughter was having the kind of sex

That you are with that person, or is walking the path you're walking towards having sex with that person

Would you encourage her to stay and continue?

And if everything stays exactly like it is.

Will you be happy in 5 years' time?

Good questions to ask.

So, to finish today, Because, again.

There's no timeline I can give you.

I'm actually just going to finish by reiterating, by saying again.

That thing that I said at the beginning of this, which is…

Talking to a potential sexual partner about sex.

Is actually the biggest predictor of good sex.

And when you talk to them.

Don't just say, I would like to have… I mean, you can say whatever you want. I would invite you, I would suggest that you don't just go, we could have sex.

You're allowed to have specific needs.

Specific turn-ons, specific desires, specific wants as well.

You're allowed to discuss what your…

What you would like to get out of sex, and what sex means to you.

And what it… what you don't want to have happen, and what you do want to have happen.

And you're allowed to invite them to do the same.

You're allowed to be your quirky, unique, Self.

Your individual self.

Not just in the dating, but in the sexual relationship as well, in the sex chat as well.

And just, again, Notice what your head is telling you about you as a sexual woman.

Notice that your head… what your head is telling you about everybody else knowing how to have sex better than you do.

Or everybody else wanting normal sex, and you're the only one that wants something a little bit wild and kinky, or whatever the story is that you're telling yourself.

Just noticed.

Because none of that is true.

And… I'm gonna finish by saying…

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. It's supposed to be fun.

It's supposed to be connected and deep and nourishing and all of those things.

And the conversations that you have with… about sex with potential sexual partners, or your already having sex sexual partner, is also allowed to be fun.

And connected, and deep, and nourishing, and silly, and all of those things.

You don't have to take it so seriously.

Okay, pleasure seekers.

That's what I've got for you today.

If you needed any more specific advice that I didn't give you, if I didn't cover off anything that you were hoping to hear.

Just reach out.

I'm always up for a chat.

Lots of love to you all.